#the anonymity is so fun but I’m also trying to play detective to figure it out hahaha

[carpisuns]

thank u for the huntlow hehe

(drawing box!)

[blackswaneuroparedux]

Anonymous asked: Have you watched Lupin? What did you think? (And are you a fan of the books or other adaptations of the character?)

The short answer is yes, I have seen Lupin on Netflix. Overall I enjoyed it so long as I suspended my disbelief at certain things.

Unfortunately it took being struck down by Covid and being bedridden for me to actually to binge watch the whole series. So I was behind the curve when my friends, French and those outside of France, started to talk about it around me. I had to beg them not to give away spoilers until I had seen it all.

It did surprise me that it won rave widespread reviews outside France because usually French drama series don’t travel very well outside of France. I’m sure even Netflix had no idea how successful it would be for them. I’m sure being in Covid lockdown had something to do with it. In any case I don’t begrudge its success as it’s well earned.

However I wasn’t too surprised that within France itself the French reviews were decidely mixed and divisive. The critic at Le Point painfully hit the nail on the head when he wrote, “Le plus gros défaut de l'ensemble reste la pauvreté des personnages, tous unidimensionnels, caricaturaux et aussi épais que du papier à cigarette.“ - loosely translated as, ‘the biggest flaw of the whole thing remains the poverty of the characters, all one-dimensional, cartoonish and as thick as cigarette paper’.

There’s a growing amount of good French stuff on TV and streaming services but a non-French audience will not have had the chance to have seen all of it yet. I can think of any number of French television drama/dramedy/cmedy series that are much better than Lupin with better plots, characters, and even a truer perspective of French society and even modern day France (Dix pour cent (Call My Agent!), Le Bureau des Légendes, Engrenages, Baron Noir, and Paris Police 1900). But you would be hard pressed to find anything that comes close to Lupin just for the sake of something fun to watch during the Covid lockdown.

What makes the current generation of home made French television series so interesting is how much of it is a reflection of France’s own anxieities about itself and its role in a increasingly English speaking dominating world. In a funny way it sees itself as defiant plucky Asterix fighting off the Roman American cultural hordes from totally invading their Francophone culture.

For sure, it has societal and racial issues stemming from its colonial legacy and issues of immigration and integration (France has the largest Muslim population in Europe). However it seems to want to ‘resolve’ these issues through the almost sacramental adherence to French secularist ideals rather than American inspired ideas of social justice and equity. There’s always been something very admirable about the French - from the time of General de Gaulle and perhaps before - always swinging from snooty ambivalence to outright antipathy towards the influence of American culture ‘americanising’ French culture (no to Walmarts or fast food chains for example).

Is it any wonder then that Netflix’s ill-conceived American series ‘Emily in Paris’ was widely hated and mocked within France for just perpetuating those lazy American tropes of Paris and French culture?

Personally I know Francophile Americans, long resident in Paris, who were frankly embarrassed and spent a lot of time apologising to their French friends. I have one American friend who has told me that she was so mad that she would have blind folded Emily and shoved her hard in the car boot and drive her all the way to the poorest of the banlieues in the grimey crime saturated suburbs of Paris - Seine-Saint-Denis came to mind - and dump her preening arse there. She would slap her and tell the spoilt entitied brat to make her own way back home - you know, to her spacious apartment in one of the most expensive arrondissements of Paris that of course(!) any American intern working for French marketing firms can afford.

I digress. My apologies. Watching this God awful show gives me PTSD.

Onto Lupin.

Thankfully Lupin doesn’t try to play to non-French tropes of what Paris is or isn’t. It does skim the surface of current discontents within French culture and society (race, class, power, and money) but ever so lightly so as to not get in the way of just spinning a good crowd pleasing yarn. It invites you to have fun and not to think too much. I have to be honest and say I enjoyed it as long as I suspended my disbelief here and there.

Lupin refers of course to the character Arsène Lupin, the French gentleman thief who stole jewellery from Parisian haute bourgeois and aristocracy at the turn of the century. Lupin, as written in the novels and short stories by Maurice Leblanc between 1905 and his death in 1941, was the archetypical anti-hero, a Robin Hood who stole from those who deserved it but kept the loot himself. He was often portrayed often a force for good, while operating on the wrong side of the law.

Lupin never really made much of an impact outside of France as he had within France where is revered with many French film and television adaptations. In England, we already had a Lupin type character in the form of A.J. Raffles, a cricket playing gentleman thief with his aristocratic side kick, Bunny. E.W. Horning’s stories of Raffles’ daring heists proved to be quite popular with the British public when Raffles first appeared on the scene in 1898. And even later Leslie Charteris’ The Saint took over the mantle from Raffles as the gentleman thief/adventuring Robin Hood.

I think Hollywood tried to introduce him to an English speaking audience (legendary actor John Barrymore even played him) but he didn’t really take off and eventually they found their gentleman thief archetype in Sir Charles Lytton aka The Phantom (played by David Niven and Christopher Plummer) in the Pink Panther movies. So Lupin never got the English audience he deserved.

I first got wind of who Arsène Lupin was when I was growing up in Japan as a child. As strange as it sounds Lupin was big in Japan especially after World War Two. The Japanese did their own take on the Lupin character using Japanese actors and plot lines but it was Lupin.

I don’t know how exactly but I remember watching these scratchy DVDs of these Lupin inspired films. I think it was one of my parents’ Japanese friends who was mad for all things Lupin and he had studied French literature in France. Jogging my memory I now recall these black & white films were done in the 1950s. One starred Keiji Sada and the other version I remember was with Eija Okada (he was in Resnais’ classic film, Hiroshima Mon Amour) as Arsene Lupin called (I think) Kao-no Nai Otoko. I didn’t understand most of it at the time because it was all in Japanese and my Japanese (at the time) was pitiful, but it looked fun.

There was even a Japanese manga version of Lupin which was called Lupin III, - so named because he was the grandson of the real Arsène Lupin.

The 1960s manga series spawned generations of TV series which I do remember watching and finding it terribly exciting if somewhat confusing.

It was French expatriate friends whom my family knew that introduced me to the real Arsène Lupin. They had a few of the books authored by Maurice Leblanc. It was in French so I read them to improve my French but enjoyed the story along the way.

I also remember them showing me scratchy episodes of the 1970s Franco-German TV series ‘Arsène Lupin’ with the monocle wearing Georges Descrières in the lead role. It was a classical re-telling of the adventures of the aristocratic gentleman-burglar and very family friendly viewing. I don’t really remember much of it to be honest.

It was some years before I actually started to read more of the Maurice Leblanc’s novels and short stories collection. I have them all now. I was a teen and I remember being stuck in a snowed in a Swiss Alpine chalet and with nothing else to do but pull out a few dog eared books from the bookshelves belonging to our French host and read to pass the time.

I read Les Dents du tigre, Arsène Lupin vs Herlock Sholmes, and Les Huit Coups de l'horloge and thoroughly enjoyed them in the original French. I was already reading classic detective and mystery novels (Sherlock Holmes, Poirot etc) so it was natural to read the adventures of Arsène Lupin.

I haven’t got around to reading all the novels and short stories but I have read most of them and I enjoyed them all immensely. In the same way Conan Doyle, through Holmes and Watson, manages to conjure a convincing picture of late Victorian and early Edwardian England, so Leblanc manages to give us a taste of Belle Epoque France through the eyes of his suave gentleman-thief, Arsène Lupin.

Indeed it's a lot like reading Sherlock Holmes in that you're always trying to figure out how he did it, but the difference is that you are rooting for the bad guy. You can’t help but be drawn to this gentleman thief who is charming, comic, playful, and romantic and generous. Lupin is not an intellectual puzzle-solver but first a master criminal, later a detective helper, who maintains his curious ethics throughout his adventures. In this regard he is very much the anti-Sherlock Holmes; and I wasn’t disappointed when I actually read the story where Lupin faces off with Holmes himself. Brilliant!

I’ve also seen the 2004 French movie with Romain Duris in the Lupin lead role and it also starred the majestic Kristin Scott Thomas and the sexy Eva Green.

It was a decent adventure flick and it was a clear confluence of different Lupin novels (The Queen's Necklace (introducing Lupin's childhood), The Hollow Needle (where the treasure is the macguffin of the story), The Arrest of Arsène Lupin (the gala on the ship as a backdrop) and Josephine Balsamo, (one of Lupin’s most memorable opponents in the The Countess Of Cagliostro).

Romaine Duris, a fine classical actor, was I felt miscast because he didn’t have Lupin’s levity of wit and be at ease within himself. I love Duris in his other films but in Arsène Lupin and even in his other film, Moliere, he seemed ill at ease with the role. Perhaps that’s just me.

The latest Netflix adaptation (or reimagining to be more precise) is a welcome addition to the world of Arsène Lupin.If you don’t over-think it, it’s bags of fun.

Omar Sy is immensely likeable. Sy is a deservedly a big star in France - he won the best actor César for “The Intouchables,” an international hit - and has played forgettable secondary characters in big-budget American special effects movies (he was Chris Pratt’s assistant in “Jurassic World” and a minor mutant in “X-Men: Days of Future Past”). It was reportedly his desire to play Arsène Lupin, whom he’s compared to James Bond (“fun, funny, elegant”), that led to the series, created by British writer George Kay. And it is on his charm that the series largely, though not entirely, rests.

So the basic story revolves around a jewellery heist. Sy plays Assane Diop, a first-generation French-Senegalese man in contemporary Paris. A collection of Lupin stories, a gift from his father - whose undeserved fate Assane set himself to avenge in long-delayed, Count of Monte Cristo style upon a criminal tycoon - has made the actual Lupin books a foundation of his life and profitably illicit career. This fan-ship goes as far as borrowing practical ideas from the stories and constructing aliases out of anagrams of “Arsene Lupin,” a habit that will attract the interest of a low-level police detective (Soufiane Guerrab as Youssef Guedira) who shares Assane’s love of the books. (That the detective also shares an initial with Lupin’s own adversary, Inspector Ganimard, is possibly not a coincidence.)

Among the many comic delights of Lupin, is an unspoken one. Time and again, the show’s hero, master thief Assane Diop is able to slip into a place unnoticed, or by assuming a minor disguise that prevents witnesses from providing an accurate description of him to law enforcement.

Why is this funny?

Because Omar Sy is six feet three (and, since most actors are short, seems even taller), is roughly as wide as soccer pitch, and is memorable even before he flashes his infectious million-Euro smile. This is not a man for whom anonymity should be possible - even allowing for racial bias in a majority-white country, Assane would be memorable and distinctive - and Lupin seems cheekily aware of this. Like the various incredible sleights of hand Assane deploys to pull off his thefts and escapes, his ability to be anyone, anywhere, is treated more as a superpower than as something even the world’s greatest criminal would be able to pull off.

At one point, when he’s slated for a cable news appearance as a much older man, we learn that Assane is also a master of disguise. The revelation of this skill arrives with a wink in the show, and it feels pointless to ask where he learned it, or how he affords movie-quality latex and makeup. Or rather, asking the question feels wrong.

We know this is impossible, the show seems to be asking its viewers again and again, but isn’t it so much fun?

The performances and the production - it has that particularly European filmic quality of feeling natural even when it gets stylish - keep the series warm even as the plot is made up of incredulous contraptions that require everything to go right at just the right time and for human psychology to be 100% predictable. Its physics are classical rather than quantum, one might say, and like the world itself, which becomes more curious the deeper you peer into things, it is best handled along the surface. You do not want to take too much time working out the likelihood of any of this happening. Just go along for the ride.

Somehow, though, it all works because Sy is so magnetic and charming that questioning plot logic feels wildly besides the point. Though he never looks appreciably different in his various aliases (including one ill-conceived live-TV appearance done under old-man makeup and a thick beard), he changes his posture and voice ( if you watch it in French that is) enough to allow for the willing suspension of disbelief, in the same way that any lead actor as Superman has to do when playing Clark Kent. But Sy and the show are at their strongest when Assane is just being his own Superman self, utterly relaxed and confident in his own skin, and so captivating that his ex-partner, Claire, can’t really resist him despite ample reason to.

If Assane seems practically perfect in every way, he is not perfectly perfect. His most obvious failing is that his criminal shenanigans and revenging make him less than reliable in his daily life, affecting his relationships with ex-partner Claire (Ludivine Sagnier, whom non-French audiences might recognise from “The Young Pope” and “The New Pope”), who despairs of his inability to show up on time to see his son Raoul (Etan Simon). Like Sy, Sagnier brings a lot of soul to her part - though onscreen far less, she’s as important as Sy to the series’ success - and the two actors have great chemistry. Also impressive and key to creating sympathy are the actors who play their flashback teenage selves, Mamadou Haidara and Ludmilla Makowski. Really, you could do away with action elements and build a series around them.

This is a pity because Lupin often fumbles its emotional reveals in other parts - the story of Diop being torn between his job and his family feels like wheel-spinning, rather than genuine emotional intrigue.

Soufiane Guerrab is wasted in the Young Detective Consumed by the Case role and spends most of this season pinning colour printouts of book covers to cork boards and getting waved off by his colleagues, who are all blinded or otherwise hampered by careerism.

But to my mind the weakest link is the villain himself and his daughter. Veteran actor Hervé Pierre hams it up as Hubert Pellegrini, a business tycoon who is the patriarch of the Pellegrini family. He just comes across as animated cartoon villain with no character depth (think moustache twirling Russian villain, Boris Badenov, in the Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoon shows). He just emotes anger a lot without any nuance or hint of complexity.

Even Clotilde Hesme who plays the daughter who is unaware of her father’s criminal tendencies is miscast. For the record I adore Clotilde Hesme as she one of France’s most talented classical actresses (that non-French outsiders will not have heard of). She is a classically theatre trained actress and is one of the best stage actresses of her generation that I have ever seen. I’ve seen her in plays where she is just mesmerising. She has said before that she’s more comfortable on the stage than she is on the screen. And when she has been on screen she still has been a powerful presence. She’s actually won a César too. Here in Lupin, she seems to have no agency and looks bored with nothing really to do.I really hope they give her more scenes in the next part of Lupin.

The series is at its best when following Diop enacting his plans, and when revealing each one from a different vantage, making us privy to every moving part like a magician revealing his secrets. The show captures the momentum of a clockwork heist, the tension of sudden obstacles and the ingenuity of improvised responses, with thrilling precision (especially in “Chapter 1 - Le Collier de la reine,” directed by Now You See Me’s Louis Leterrier).

Lupin is also politically incisive when it wants to be; it brings to mind Ladj Ly’s Oscar-nominated 2019 film Les Misérables, which adapted the broad strokes of Victor Hugo’s novel about the 1832 Paris Rebellion, and modernised the story by focusing on the police brutality faced by non-white Parisians.

Lupin opens with Diop disguised as cleaning staff and entering the Louvre after-hours, alongside dozens of forgotten, anonymous non-white workers as they pass by “La Liberté guidant le people,” Eugène Delacroix’s famous painting of the July Revolution of 1830 which replaced France’s hereditary rule with popular sovereignty.

Before any semblance of plot or character, Lupin centres broken ideals and promises unkept (without giving too much away, the show’s primary villain has much more nationalistic view of French culture and history which merely adds to a cartoonish caricature than a complex character). The rest of the episode is about valuable jewels once owned by Marie Antionette - one of the most recognisable symbols of wealth and extravagance in times of extreme poverty - which are put up for auction by the Pelligrini family, and bid on by other wealthy collectors with bottomless purses and no sense of irony.

Granted, beyond this auction subplot, explorations of race and class are largely limited to individual interactions, but the show continues to refer back to (and implicitly comment on) its source material in ways that wink at the audience. An elderly, unassuming target of Diop’s schemes seems like an unlikely victim at first - Diop, though he acts in his own self-interest, usually displays a moral compass - until this victim reveals the colonial origins of her wealth, immediately re-contextualising the ethics of the situation, in a manner that Leblanc’s stories did not. (The show is yet to apply this lens to Arsène Lupin himself, who Diop treats with reverence, but that’s a secondary concern since Lupin is entirely fictional in-world).

Barring some nagging structural problems - like cutting to flashbacks when things are getting exciting, or epilogues that feel ten minutes too long - Lupin mostly works. It plants a few personal seeds early on, which it keeps hinting at without fully addressing, but by the time its scattered elements come into focus, the show finally figures out how to weave them together, and delivers a mid-season cliffhanger that renders many of these flaws irrelevant.

Lupin manages to have fun even with an antiquated premise - the story of a suave con-man who charms his way through high-profile robberies - while adding just enough new spin on the concept to feel refreshing. Omar Sy may not have much to work with, but his alluring presence makes Assane Diop feel like a worthy successor to Arsène Lupin.

Lupin isn’t going to win César, BAFTA, or Emmy awards, or even turn heads for its ability to develop tertiary or even secondary plots or characters - that doesn’t really matter. You’re there to see a difficult hero be difficult and heroic - everyone else is there to be charmed, vexed, or eluded by them. Sy’s performance bounds off the screen, and is almost musical. He floats through scenes like he glides over the roofs and through the back alleys of Paris; he outmanoeuvres his foes with superior literary references and sheer athleticism. He is irresistible and also good at everything he tries, even kidnapping.

I would encourage anyone to watch Lupin for a fun care free ride. But the only caveat I would make is watch it in the original French.

If you don’t know French then put on the subtitles to understand (that’s what they are there for). The real crime is to watch this (or any film or television series) dubbed in a foreign language. It’s disrespectful to the actors and film makers and it’s silly because it’s comical to watch something dubbed over.

Please watch it in the original French.

Then go and read the books. You won’t regret it.

Thanks for your question.

[mysterytickingegos]

The Dream Team

Pairing: Mayor Damien x Reader

Genre: Fluffy beginning, then Angst.

Word Count:2,965

Summary: The newly elected mayor and district attorney were set to change this city for the better, perhaps as more than friends. Alas, fate (or at least, Mark) had different plans. Once-good people make a mistake, and upon striking their final deal in an effort to protect their friends, they instead set themselves on a tragic path for vengeance.

Anonymous Request: So for the request things, maybe 12, 43, and 44 with Damien? Maybe during WKM with female or gender neutral pronouns? (Thank you! I’m super excited to see your writing!)

Authors Note: Thank you for being my first request!

Want to read more?

[Image Description: A gif of Mayor Damien from chapter one of who killed markiplier, walking our of frame while bidding goodbye to the viewer. End Description.]

You stepped out of your car, almost in awe of the manor before you. At the bottom of the stairs stood a familiar raven-haired young woman, who upon hearing you coming up behind her, turned around.

“Tsk tsk, is this the kind of punctuality we should expect from our new district attorney?” She asked, crossing her arms as she bit back a smile.

“Ophelia, I never pegged you as a hypocrite.” You shot back at her, leading to her holding her hand over her heart in mock offense before you both broke into laughs. “Is your uncle inside already?”

She sighed, “Yes, why do you think I’m still out here? Postponing the inevitable lecture.”

You started to nod in agreement, then stopped. “Do you...really think being even later will help your predicament?”

You could see the wheels turning in her head before she winced through her teeth. ‘Damn.”

The door opened up with the houses butler on the other side, confused to see the two of you lingering outside. He kindly welcomed you and took your invitations, and as soon as he left your line of sight, there was Damien, the other half of your political dream team. Ophelia immediately ducked into the archway to her left, but it was too late, he had seen her.

Luckily for her, you were in a playful mood yourself. Just as he passed you, you caught his hand, bringing him back in your direction. “I just got here and you’re running off already?”

“Of course not, Y/n.” He said with a kind smile, before placing a kiss on the top of your hand. “I’m glad you made it. How have you been settling into your new office? It’s going to take some getting used to I’m sure.”

“Certainly. I still get this strange feeling I’m intruding every once in a while.” You shrugged softly, even with the thought you got a hint of that same feeling in your gut. “But that seems to come with the title in general, to be frank.”

Damien just shook his head, “My dear, there is no one I would rather have alongside me to protect this great city of ours.”

“Well, I appreciate your confidence in me.” You’d been working together for almost 5 years now and yet it still amazed you how well you worked as a team. “You know it’s funny, when we met, this is not where I saw my life going.”

The laugh that got out of him warmed your heart, although not half as much as what he said next; “Hopefully I’ve helped exceed your expectations.”

“Perhaps in more ways than you think.” You couldn’t stop yourself from saying it. As subtle as it may have been, the recognition in his eyes made it obvious to you that you had revealed your true feelings for the man standing before you, at least partially.

Before either of you could speak again, the butler cleared his throat behind you, almost making you jump out of your skin as you instinctively took a step back from Damien. “Champagne?” The tall man asked, seemingly unable to read the room.

“Uh, y-yes, thank you.” You took the small glass he was handing you, and chose to keep your focus there, at least until you heard another voice coming down the stairwell. After the speech that came from the man who invited you, you braced yourself for the rest of the night by downing the glass in one go.

After that, the rest of that night was mostly a blur. All of the usually posh guests loosened up at the table and you had done rather well, getting a rather stubborn detective out of the game early on.

There is one moment, at the end of the night, that sticks out clearly in your memory though. It always will.

You and Damien had left the crowd at maybe one in the morning, choosing to cool down on the balcony off of his room. “I haven’t had this much fun since...well before law school!” You exclaimed, taking another swig from a snagged champagne bottle you’d been sharing up there for a half hour.

“You were incredible down there. I mean- pft - his-” Damien erupted into a fit of the giggles, and you couldn’t help but follow suit. “Abe’s face when you put down that awful hand!”

“God help me if I ever need his help in court...” You sighed, and then you both lost it again.

Finally, when you had both calmed down, caught your breath, you locked eyes. You could’ve sworn that time slowed down just for the two of you. He pushed the hair out of you face, gently resting his hand on your cheek. “You know, you never cease to amaze me, Y/n.” With those words you both began to lean closer, and as you closed your eyes you could feel your heart pounding in your chest.

His lips had just barely ghosted over yours when he pulled away from you, wincing. You opened your eyes to your friend ghostly pale, gripping onto the rail of the balcony for support. “Woah, Damien are you alright?”

He had trouble even looking up from the ground, making it clear how the world must’ve been spinning in his perspective. “I...I don’t feel well.”

“I think you’ve just pushed yourself a bit too far tonight,” You reassured him, gently trying to guide him away from the balcony.

“No, this is...is...” He stopped to catch his breath, as though he had been holding it throughout the conversation. He then shook his head, a forced smile at his lips. “...Nevermind, it even sounds mad in my mind. I’m sure you’re right.”

“Come on, you should rest.” You brought him inside, surprisingly sobered after seeing the look on his face. As you shut the door to the balcony, the lights to the room flickered and stayed dimmed afterwards.

Damien groaned in pain, holding his hand to his head. “You do that?”

“No...” You stepped over and noticed now that Damien was also in a cold sweat. “Oh, goodness. Perhaps you’ve caught some kind of bug.”

“In that case I apologize for kissing you.” The joke just barely got a laugh out of either of you, him in too much pain and you far too concerned for his well-being.

“I’m going to go downstairs and see if-”

He was the one to catch your hand this time. “No, no, Y/n I’m- I’ll be fine. You don’t need to worry so much.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes...You should go off to bed as well, it’s so late.”

You were hesitant to leave him, but chose to trust him. If it was that bad, he would tell you, right?

So you bid him goodnight, told him to get help if he needed it, and did as he said despite the pit in your stomach.

The next day it was as though nothing had happened at all, he seemed to be in perfect health as he greeted you on the staircase, not saying a word about his illness or anything else that had happened before then. You felt strange of course, and had plans to speak to him in private, but those plans vanished in a cloud of smoke when the body of the host of this event fell flat in front of you. Naturally, that remained at the forefront of your mind.

Even later as you began to notice your good friend acting slightly off, you ignored it. After all, he was grieving, you told yourself. He was still processing all of this and the best you could do was be there for him. Besides, you had your own troubles to deal with today, the investigation becoming more and more bizarre with every passing minute.

All of it seemed to boil over with you trying to calm an impossibly chaotic situation; a screaming match between the very panicked and very guilty looking colonel, a young woman demanding answers as to what happened to the only family she had, and a stubborn detective who just wouldn’t stop pushing all the wrong buttons...until he was shot. After that, you made an attempt to disarm William before he could hurt anyone else.

This was the next-to-last poor decision you would make.

Yet another gunshot rang through the old manor alongside a horrible shriek from you.You clutched your stomach as your body jerked backwards into the railing that was just low enough to bring about another tragedy. Regret immediately flashed over William’s eyes, he dropped the gun and both him and Ophelia tried to reach out for you once they saw you were falling backwards. It was too late, your body hit the ground with an awful crunch and your sight went black.

And then...and then you were floating. In some kind of void, you started to move forward until a body fell in front of you for the second time that day. “It’s not fair, is it?” It hissed at you.

No, it wasn’t.

Tears began to sting at your eyes but you held them back. In the distance you could hear voices, voices that were too familiar, and began to move towards them.

“He took everything from us.” The first voice started, “He trapped us here with this broken shell and no way out!”

“This whole time I thought it was the house, but I never thought he’d fall this far.” The second voice began to crack, laced with pain and guilt.

“And we played right into his hands. He’d been planning this for years and now that son of a bitch is out there walking around in my body!”

You approached two figures, with two auras, red and blue. The woman surrounded by red, a psychic you had met just hours before, glanced up at you. “Damien we can’t do this right now...” She warned him.

“Why not?! From where I stand we seem to have all the time in the world!” She rolled her eyes and nodded in your direction, and the moment he laid eyes on you the rage turned to sadness. “Y/n...”

You didn’t hesitate to go to him and he pulled you into his arms, the both of you having thought you’d lost the other forever. “Damien, is this...” You paused, having to push for the next words to come out of your mouth. “Are we dead?”

“It would seem so.” He said quietly. Once your fears were confirmed you broke, letting a sob escape as tears ran down your face. “Don’t cry, darling, we’re going to be alright.”

You laughed in disbelief. How? How could either of you be alright?

“You will be, death doesn’t mean the same thing here.” Celine’s voice echoed through the nothingness.

You pulled away from your friend to look at her, “What the hell are you talking about?”

“What Celine means by that is, this doesn’t have to be the end. You are trapped in here just the same as us but...your body, broken as it may be, it’s still out there.” Damien attempted to explain.

“Mark is not the only one who can use this place to his benefit. The same way I brought you here, is the way that I can send you back.”

“Send me back? I understand you want to help but that is just...unnatural.” You told the psychic, thinking back to the way you had passed.

“It wouldn’t be merely selfish. William and Elli are still in that house, clueless as to what’s really happening. And if William doesn’t pick up on it soon, well you’ve seen first hand he is just as dangerous as Mark.” Damien explained.

You nodded, beginning to understand. “So somebody has to stop the madness.”

“But... I’m afraid you won’t be able to survive on your own.” He started, taking your hand in his. “You are dead after all. But if you trust me, if you let me in, we can fix this together.”

“Together? So we’ll both be...”

“In your mind, yes. It won’t be pleasant, but it’s only temporary.”

You nodded again. Of course you trusted him, after all these years you had no reason not to. Celine began to push you to reality, a rush of wind surrounding and spinning around the two of you. ‘Damien?”

“Yes y/n?”

“...I’m Scared.”

“...I am too. But we’ve got this, we’re going to make things right.”

And in the blink of an eye you were back on the floor of the manor, gasping for breath as you felt unimaginable pain throughout your body. Yet the pain was overwhelmed by the shock of hearing two separate trains of thought in your head. Two separate voices commanding your body to sit up, to find your friends. Far as you could tell though, yours was still the one in charge. And of course you reminded yourself that this new voice belonged to Damien, that it was okay.

You pulled yourself up off of the ground and did not need to venture far, seeing William on a loveseat just a few feet away as well as Ophelia sitting in the archway with her knees tucked to her chest and a red blotchy face. Both were staring at you, one in awe and the other in terror. Every breath you were taking felt like you were inhaling glass, and you struggled to speak.

William sat up, holding his hand out to show he was unarmed in an attempt to comfort you. “We thought you were dead,” He barely muttered out. “I-I mean of course you’re not dead. How could you be dead? I wouldn’t have killed you. I didn’t kill you. I mean of course I...I...”

Your emotions kept twisting and turning and shifting. From concern and compassion for the person who seemed to be unraveling in front of you, to a sick, burning rage at the fact he was going through this at all. You wanted to reach out for him, but everything felt so heavy. Every movement you made came with stings and aches that shot through you. You instead remained blank, unmoving as you listened. Ophelia had begun to approach you cautiously. “I think you should sit back down Colonel.” She told him softly. The thought crossed your mind that this poor girl was never going to recover from today.

“I’m fine! Everyone is fine!” The Colonel exclaimed, setting Damien's cane down and running his hands through his hair. “I didn’t kill anyone I...ha! It was all a joke! Of course it was all a joke! Oh, Damien put you two up to this, didn’t he? Of course he did!” He waved you both off, wandering off almost with a drunk-like sway to go find his lost friends.

You realized your fists were clenched at your sides, and released them. Your heartbeat pounded in your ears, though it wasn’t all you could hear. Damien was trying to comfort you as tears stung your eyes and the unbearable pain left you shaking.

It was so difficult just to stand. Your head was pounding, it was too full. Too much happening at once.

Ophelia hesitantly placed her hand on your shoulder, an attempt to get your attention surely. “Y/n? How...how did this happen? I mean, you were gone. Cold.”

You held back a wince at her gesture, even that soft a touch was making you want to scream. The ringing in your ears was getting louder, screaching.

You tried to ground yourself to reality, to her voice, “Y/n, can you hear me?”

“Go get in your car Elli, get away from this place.” You finally managed to speak, your voice coming out shaky and low through gritted teeth.

“What about you?”

The words that came out next were not your own, that you were sure of. “I have some unfinished business to attend to.”

“Hold on just a minute.”

“Go.” Your voice dipped down to a growl and she was more scared now, looking at you as though she was pondering whether or not you had come back fully human. You weren’t quite sure either. After she rushed out of the house with the door slamming behind her, you braced yourself on the accent table in the hall. You now felt as though you were fighting for dominance of your own mind. You knew what you wanted, and that was to find Mark, no matter how long it took. Your better half disagreed. You wanted out of this house as quickly as possible, and grabbed the cane in front of you to support your broken body.

Wrong move.

Feeling chills up your spine at what you had caught a glimpse of in the corner of your eye, you looked up into the mirror, and saw a reflection that did not belong to you. Instead it belonged to the man you loved. Or at very least, a shell of who he was the night before. He gave you a sad smile, then closed his eyes and against your will your body moved, your head tilted to one side, then the other with harsh cracks coming from your neck. On the second, the mirror broke, nothing but static in the missing pieces. Static that resembled all of your buried thoughts in your mind. Instead of your confused pleas and questions as to what was happening, you heard his voice.

“It’s okay, my dear. You should rest.“

The very last thing you managed to get through, before the pain faded away completely; “Damien, please, don’t leave me.”

But as you already know, that plea landed on deaf ears.

You already know that he pushed you out.

That he left you behind.

That he let the darkness consume him in an effort to save you anymore pain.

So much for the dream team.

[bigskydreaming]

That last reblog is very informative and useful in figuring out where to find certain storylines. Purely on a personal recommendation note, for anyone looking for good reads and who tends to like my take on things, my recs from that list (and not saying that others I don’t rec aren’t good, just what immediately popped into my head) would be:

Batman: The Long Halloween (yes. its a good)

Batman: Birth of the Demon (if you want to set canon on fire, as many people are wont to do, a good place to start is aggressively ignoring Morrison’s take on Damian’s birth and origin and instead treating this story as his origin and just building off the idea that Talia lied at the end which is waaaaaaaaay better and just like...go from there)

Batman: The Killing Joke (kill it with the fire. we’ve had enough of the killing joke. it can die. even alan moore hates it and he wrote it and alan moore usually loves everything he writes and hates everyone ELSE for like, liking it the wrong way, so I mean, that should tell you a lot)

Batman: The Cult (holy shit I totally forgot about this story and now am off to go reread it again myself)

I have Issues with how ADITF AND A Lonely Place of Dying play out and most popular takes on them, so like, I’m not like, recommending RECOMMENDING them, but I mean like, they are pivotal.

Batman: Knightfall, Legacy, Cataclysm and all things No Man’s Land related have some good stuff throughout all of them. Like, things I don’t like, sure, but overall, there’s a lot of good material in them. Also, a good way to get a strong sense of actual canon Tim, who is not fanon Tim, and who would probably take one look at fanon Tim and go LOL nerd, and kickflip away on his skateboard to go tell Nightwing about this AU version of himself he just met, as like, he actually likes and respects Nightwing, among other differences.

JLA Tower of Babel (its a yawn from me, lads. the source of pretty much all “Batman can beat all of the JLA because he has the greatest superpower of all: PREP TIME!!!” hot takes and I mean, yeah that’s pretty core to Batman and who he is at this point, but the story itself its just like. Eh. Could you not. Idk. Basically I just mean this is all part of an era of JLA that for the most part I actually tend to LIKE Bruce’s interactions with the rest of the team, but then there was this and it was just like. Eh. Could you not).

Bruce Wayne: Murderer? and Bruce Wayne: Fugitive (Quality reads IMO that emphasize the Detective part of the Batfranchise and contain good moments for the whole currently present Batfam, lots of great Cass and Dick stuff in particular. Idk. I havent read them in awhile but I have fond memories)

Batman: Hush (this gets a bad rep and not entirely deserved IMO. Like, its not the greatest story in the world but I like how it portrays Bruce as having flawed dynamics with a lot of his loved ones but not shying away from his role in that but also without overly vilifying him....he’s an appropriately complex character in this, is what I mean, and I also like that this is another story that emphasizes the often lost-and-forgotten Detective part of his core concept. Also, it utilizes some of my fave villains in ways that bring home how much potential certain combinations/team-ups of villains could have if they were utilized more instead of overlooked in favor of ITS TIME FOR THE JOKER AGAIN WHEEEEEEEE!)

Batman: Under the Red Hood (hahahhahaha no. like could you imagine me reccing this? LOL its not realistic. Nah, stick with the animated movie retelling. At least Bruce doesn’t slit his son’s throat in that one to save the damn clown again)

Batman: R.I.P (I reluctantly rec this not because I like it, cuz I don’t, its Morrison back on his bullshit in a most I AM THE MOST GALAXY BRAINED OF ALL THE GALAXY BRAINED AND ALSO IM A CHAOS MAGICIAN DID U KNOW THAT HUH DID YA DID YA, like, fashion. Its. A lot. The story is A Lot. I don’t say that in a complimentary way. BUT I recommend it anyway out of pure stubbornness and Dick Grayson fanboy spite, as its set like, directly before Bruce is believed dead and gets lost in time, and like, A LOT happens to Dick in that story that SHOULD BE extremely relevant and crucial to examinations of his mental and emotional state at the time of him assuming Bruce’s role in the family and as Batman, but that just like....ISN’T, and that annoys me. Also, the primary villain of this, Dr. Hurt, like.....

his grand endgame involved torturing the fuck out of Dick to hurt Bruce specifically, and pretty much the first thing that happens when Bruce DOES come back from being lost in time is Dr. Hurt pops up out of nowhere and shoots Dick in the head, like FIRST THING, like this is the absolute first thing Bruce has to deal with when coming back, and this is just like....NONEXISTENT in most fics about that era. Because lolol how can we blame Dick for everything that went wrong and make Bruce be mad at him for how Dick wronged Tim and Jason and all of Gotham probably, if we’re going by actual canon and thus dealing with the fact that Bruce is preoccupied with hovering over his just-shot-in-the-head-specifically-to-fuck-with-Bruce son’s bedside and WORRYING about him. LOLOL hashtag Fandom Willfully Erases The Majority of Dick’s Canon Traumas Not Because They Want To Set Canon On Fire - they’re usually fine with sticking to every instance of canon in which Dick does something even in the ZIP CODE of wrong - but rather because if we acknowledge Dick’s traumas then eww, he might come across as....sympathetic? No, we can’t have that. ERGO HE WAS NEVER SHOT IN THE HEAD HAHAHAH WE FIXED IT, WE FIXED CANON).

But I digress.

Battle for the Cowl (another reluctant rec because like, its dumb and its bad, but its one of those things that I’d still rather more people read than didn’t, because like it is pivotal and relevant, and it contains key plot points like oh Idk, Arkham literally blowing up as all the currently locked up inmates escape, which led to Dick having Wayne Enterprises rebuild it himself, and like, the only villains present in it when he was Batman being the villains he and Damian CAUGHT while he was Batman, which did NOT include the Joker, and thus all the hot takes about how Dick locked up Jason two doors down from his murderer like the uncaring bastard that he is, like.....instead of the reality that Dick pulled strings to have Jason put in Arkham instead of Blackgate when the POLICE ARRIVED ON SCENE AND LOCKED UP THE ANONYMOUS RED HOOD BECAUSE HE WAS CLEARLY DEFEATED AND CLEARLY A WANTED CRIMINAL AND THUS LIKE, HIS IMPRISONMENT LITERALLY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH DICK OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT DICK DEFEATED JASON RATHER THAN LETTING HIM KILL HIM AND DAMIAN.....

like, its literal canon that Dick explains himself for having Jason put in Arkham instead of Blackgate because it allowed him to keep Jason OUT of gen pop where he had literal dozens of enemies that he, Jason, WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR PUTTING THEM IN THERE HIMSELF, and it was to keep Jason SAFE, and it WORKED as Jason’s only actual canon complaint at that time was that he was BORED. So in conclusion, AS ALWAYS, you can do what you want, but when you literally manufacture the fake fanon - and completely fail to make any effort to establish that this is NOT actual canon and that you’re not actually riffing off of an actual canon moment - that Dick callously locked his brother up a few doors down from his own murderer (the dude that Dick himself literally once beat to death because he killed Jason).....like, inquiring minds would like to know, why are you trying so hard to make Dick look like THIS MUCH of an asshole, hmm?)

Batman: The Gates of Gotham (a weird, but fun little read IMO, that delves deep into the backstory of Gotham, the Waynes, and also Dick’s ancestors the Crownes, and establishes a lot of the history revolving around all of the above, and like, it actually has Dick as Batman and being competent and respected by the rest of the family in that role, and its also one of the only times Cass and Damian interacted one on one, stuff like that)

Batman and Robin Eternal (eww no, kill it also with the fire, burn it, I hate it, uggggggh why is this series so praised, its so baaaaaaaaaaaad, its like what if literally every character involved in it is an asshole to Dick for no valid reason whatsoever.....huh, weird thought, wonder if the fact that its so praised as being so good and Dick’s so hated for weird reasons by a lot of fandom are connected....almost like.....the fiction influenced how people viewed his character....and thus....critical commentary of how the fiction was bad is....relevant....HMM I MUST PONDER THIS STRANGE AND NOVEL THOUGHT).

[along-came-atsushi]

Novel Recap: Osamu Dazai’s Entrance Exam

Prologue & Chapter 1

Man, it’s been some time since I’ve started this little series. And originally I wanted to do Dark Era first. But since 2020 has been a shit year so far I’m not in the mood to read even more depressing stuff. So, I decided for something a little brighter.

Also: “Recap”, that was the word I was looking for, after I failed to come up with a proper name lol.

As most of you probably already know the first light novel is the original story from season 1, episodes 6 & 7. But it’s without Atsushi, since Atsushi hasn’t been introduced as a main character yet. They also gave some of Dazai’s original lines to Atsushi, which I think is not the best decision, since it alters the characterization. There are also some heavy differences between the novel and its anime counterpart. I personally prefer the novel.

But anyway, let’s get started, we’re inside Kunikida’s mind the whole time. This is going to be fun.

The prologue begins with Kunikida explaining what his ideals are, how he met his ideals, why he married his ideals, and when he plans to have babies with his ideals.

My name is Doppo Kunikida, an idealist who lives in reality, a realist who pursues ideals.

I have this stupid mug I bought back when I started studying. It will now forever remind me of Kunikida:

And this is a record of the struggles between a man who yearns for the realization of ideals and a new hire destined to interfere with them.

The following interference of ideals took place between 5 pm and 6 pm [ding ding]

Also here are some interesting excerpts from his ideals...notebook...diary... ideals-diary. I’m gonna call it that now:

Takekoshi came to my house. We took a stroll under the moonlight together.

Ha, gAAAAAAAAYYYY.

I ate a pear. It wasn’t sweet.

Then why did you eat it in the first place????

The story continues to turn into a beginning of a Brooklyn 99 episode, but it’s with Dazai and Kunikida chasing some random thief. Come to think about it, isn’t the ADA supposed to take only cases the police can’t deal with? Guess the police in the BSD universe is even more incompetent than I thought.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s all according to plan. More importantly, guess what I just saw.”

“I don’t care!”

“It’s this incredibly rare book called ‘The Complete Suicide’. I’ve been searching all over for it, and I just noticed it on display in the used bookstore back there-- Ah! I have to go back and buy it before someone else does.”

And that’s how Dazai met the love of his life. Can we also talk about that the title “The Complete Suicide” sounds rather strange? Especially when I translate it into German: “Der Komplette Selbstmord”. Oh god, fuck off, book!

But no matter how twisted my partner’s interests are, no matter how much he tries to sabotage the mission, I will not allow the criminal to escape for failure is not written in my schedule.

“For failure is not written in my schedule.” -> That is an awesome and inspiring quote. I want it on a t-shirt. Or on another mug.

After a chase through a crowd of people they’re able to catch the thief, thanks to Kunikida’s ability and Dazai’s... uh... plan.

One resident speaks up. “J-just who are you people?”

I whip out my detective license and hold it up in the air so everyone can see.

“There is no need for concern. We’re with the Armed Detective Agency.”

[Brooklyn 99 intro starts playing]

.

And that’s it for the prologue! On to chapter 1:

8th

It rained this morning. A quiet shower, but frigid like the depth of winter. I yearn to live for my ideals. I strive for my ideals. I move forward without fear, without fatigue, without hesitation. Neither dreams nor honor will be pursued--for how euphoric it an be to solely devote oneself to quotidian tasks.

Why does this sound like the lyrics to an Evanescence song? *sad Amy Lee voice* Frigiiiii~d like the depth of wiiiiiii~nteeeee~r

Also... Kunikida, you must be a blast to have on a date. No wonder the women swoon over you.

But despite its [the building of the ADA] appearance, it’s so sturdily built that even machine-gun artillery fire from the outside wouldn’t cause any damage to the interior. That may sound oddly specific, but it’s happened to us.

*nods heavily* Sounds like completely normal work hazards to me, don’t know what you’re talking about.

Kunikida tells us that he checks his schedule many times. Like... really many times. Probably also while using the bathroom. I don’t know if this is a normal behaviour, but okay. So he goes to work and finds Dazai being high thanks to shrooms, dancing around in the office, to everyone’s demise.

“Whoa there’s a giant sea anemone outside the window, Kunikida! A banana... It’s eating a banana! And it’s even removing the white stringy bits!”

Yes, this man is a terrifying genius and an ex-Port Mafia executive.

Man, I should try these mushrooms one day, too. Dazai’s visions really sound entertaining.

I pour coffee into my mug as I always do.

I really hope we share the same mug, Kunikida! Don’t disappoint me!

But now, I don’t want to hide my all time fav quote from Dazai from you:

“Oh, I’ve got it. I need to take off my clothes. I need to get naked to get higher ratings! It’s simple, really! Let us undress! After that, we can all put on full-body thighs, go to the bank, and dance the hopak!”

Yes, this man is a terrifying genius and an ex-Port Mafia executive.

I land a roundhouse kick to the back of Dazai’s head, knocking him against the wall and rendering him unconscious.

Everyone in the ADA after that:

.

We’re told how Kunikida and Dazai met and the day he was introduced as a new employee into the ADA

In that moment, I suddenly sense a cold, piercing light in his eyes, as if he were calmly evaluating his senior--no, as if he were staring into my very soul through the eyes of a heavenly, enlightened sage. [...] Was I seeing things? Could my mind have been playing tricks on me?

Dazai uses Leer. It’s very effective.

If you only know the anime version, than you completely missed the fact that Fukuzawa and Kunikida had a conversation about Dazai. They both realize that there must be something wrong about his alleged background, because it doesn’t quite add up. And then there is also the fact that his ability is extremely dangerous.

“I would like you to bring Dazai with you while you work and see if he can be trusted. If you ever feel he could be an emissary, intelligence operative, or spy of some sort, then you are to fire him without hesitation. However, if you sense any sign of wickedness in his heart...”

The president takes a black automatic pistol out from a bag behind him, then presents it to me.

You do not fuck with shachou and his family.

.

The next day they meet with a teenage hacker boy called Rokuzu, because the ADA received an anonymous email requesting them to investigate a haunted building. And since neither the Ghostbusters nor the Winchester brothers reside in Yokohoma that task also falls into the ADA’s hands.

“Anyway, it’s not like you to be late. What, were you on a ‘date’ or something?”

He makes a circle with one hand and shoves a finger in it with the other.

Typical teenage boy behaviour.

“Sorry to disappoint, but I only plan on going on dates with the woman I marry. And according to the ‘Future Plans’ page in my notebook [...] it’s going to be another six years before I get married.”

“Hold up. You already got a girl you’re gonna marry?”

“Not for another four years.”

Thank god, we live in times with apps like tinder and stuff, so we can all schedule our marriage and dating plans.

The next things happen pretty much the same as in the anime. They ask the teenage hacker boy to look up the sender of the mail, they meet with the taxi driver who tells them about the abduction of several people, Dazai tries to Tokyo Drift but fails miserably (which wasn’t shown in the anime) and then they investigate the haunted building, which turns out to be an abandoned hospital. They do this in the middle of the night, of course.

Oh, and Kunikida is absolutely terrified of ghosts. *deep voice* You’re in Silent Hill, son.

They hear a scream for help and run to the rescue, just in time to find a woman named Sasaki almost drowning in a tank. Thankfully she gets rescued by these two gentlemen, otherwise it may have been the end for her.

Aside from Dazai’s overcoat, she’s nearly naked and soaking wet in the middle of the night.

Damn, that poor woman. She must be freezing.

Her hands tightly wrapped around her elbows and her legs stretched out on the floor are especially delicate.

Uuuhhh.... Kunikida? Dunno if this is the right moment to-

The clothes clinging to her body sketch the outline of an alluring figure.

This man needs a hug.

I feel almost as if I could see through her remarkably fine porcelain skin.

Maybe a little bit more than just a hug.

Wet hair clings to her nape as water drips onto her chest.

Kunikida STAHP!

I avert my gaze for absolutely no reason.

“absolutely no reason” -> PFFFFFFFF. Sasaki tells them that there are other people trapped here and wants to lead Dazai and Kunikida to them.

“... Wait.” I place a hand on Miss Sasaki’’s shoulder, stopping her. “Dazai, what do you think?”

“The way she’s dressed makes me feel things,” he says with a straight face.

“Be serious.!”

“with a straight face” -> so no feeling things at all? Dazai stop playing straight already. Even Kunikida doesn’t buy it anymore.

Anyways Dazai thinks Sasaki’s story is a little bit too convenient. They’re searching for the other victims trapped here, but when they find them it’s already too late, since a poison gas trap somehow activates and they have to retreat.

[dmsden]

Smart, But Not Too Smart - Trying to create intelligent enemies without metagaming

Hullo, Gentle Readers. It’s time for another Question from a Denizen. This week, we have an Anonymous reader who asks, “I'd like to make my players plan more, use strategy. How do I build multi solution problems and smart enemies for my players? I'm trying to allow cool ideas, and obviously ignore the strategy they discuss right in front of me, because I've seen DMs metagame and its not fun. How do you write smart enemies but allow the players to outsmart them? How do you plan a multi solution dungeons, traps, riddles that aren't stalling the game? Is it ok to dm ex machina if they can't figure it out?”

This is definitely a challenge, and actually a bunch of questions in one. I don’t know if I have a definitive answer for it all, but allow me to try and offer some advice. I’ll break it down one bit at a time.

“How do I build multi solution problems...for my players?”

I try to come up with a problem without necessarily knowing how my players are going to solve it. Then I try to be as open and flexible as possible to whatever solution they come up with and adjudicate whatever it is they’re attempting, based on how likely or unlikely I think it might be.

For example, in one combat, I might have rope ladders that are an obvious way for the PCs to scale down into a chasm. The shadow dragons that are lurking are just going to fly in, strafe the PCs with breath weapons, maybe make an attack or two, and then fly back into the darkness. I write some rudimentary rules about hanging onto the ladders while fighting (maybe make an Athletics check or have disadvantage on melee or missile attacks). I also assume, however, that my PCs will come up with some crazy strategies. Maybe they’ll teleport onto the backs of the dragons, make some insane leaps to try and catch them as they go by with a held action, use feather fall, cast fly, use a grappling hook to catch a dragon’s leg...who knows? The trick isn’t coming up with all the many different options. The trick is to be ready to improvise when your players come up with something you hadn’t considered.

“How do you write smart enemies but allow the players to outsmart them?”

Well, that depends on how smart you mean. I have most intelligent enemies come up with a contingency plan or two, especially if they know the PCs are coming after them. If your players are well-known, it’s likely an intelligent foe who is expecting the PCs would take time to learn about them...perhaps they would hire spies, cast scrying or commune spells, or just ask around places they’d been known to frequent. If that’s the case, then it’s reasonable to assume that a villain would know what the PCs’ tactics tend to be and prepare counter-measures against them. They should also have some method of trying to escape, if possible. Most intelligent enemies won’t want to fight to the death unless they are particularly fanatical, or they’re some creature like a devil or demon that will simply go back to their home plane upon death.

If they’re much, much smarter than the PCs (especially above human intelligence), then I use almost everything the PCs talk about or do in my presence to my advantage. I can’t possibly be that smart, since by definition, such a creature is far smarter than me, so I cheat...I 100% metagame. You’re right, it can be un-fun, but, as long as this tactic is used sparingly, I see no reason not to do it. It will make that one villain seem chillingly prepared for battle.

“How do you plan multi-solution dungeons, traps, riddles that aren’t stalling the game?”

Well, I feel like I already partly answered this above, but I’ll add a bit more here as we talk about riddles and traps. Never ever hide something crucial to the plot of the adventure behind a trap, riddle, puzzle, secret door, locked door, or skill check. There should always be a way forward, even if it makes things harder for the PCs. If you write something that they MUST do in order to advance, make it obvious. There can be other methods that are easier, but make it possible to get through no matter what. Is this realistic? No. Is it more fun? Yes.

The fantastic Call of Cthulhu game system recognized this with its latest incarnation. Many crucial details were often hidden and detectable by the Spot Hidden skill. This meant that sometimes an adventure could be completely stalled by the players failing such a roll. Now, the game strongly recommends that you allow the players everything they need to solve the adventure without such rolls, but allows that you can make their lives harder if they do.

If you want to use traps, riddles, puzzles, etc to guard a room that grants the PCs some large advantage to solving the dungeon, then go for it. Maybe a riddling sphinx guards a fountain which grants them the effects of a long rest when they drink it. Maybe there’s a shortcut which bypasses tunnels full of rust monsters hidden by a secret door. A puzzle could prevent them from getting a nice bit of treasure, like a magic sword. But, ultimately, they should be able to complete the adventure without solving puzzles, picking locks, finding a secret door, etc.

“Is it ok to dm ex machina if they can't figure it out?”

You’re the DM. Whatever is going to make the game more fun for you and your players is okay. No one is going to come to your house and say you’re playing the game wrong if you give the players hints or have an NPC solve the problem for them. I will tell you the players won’t enjoy that. They will feel like they’ve failed, or that you made it too hard for them to succeed.

If you don’t hide anything crucial beyond a puzzle, trick, secret door, etc, however, then you shouldn’t ever need to do this.

I hope that helps, Anonymous! Let us know how things go for you, and feel free to ask other questions!

[sherlollydramoine]

Welcome to the Tumblr-Dome Bitch! Pt 2

Warnings: Language, anonymous fake Tumblr death threats, some hilarity, and idk.. Just enjoy!

So here is part two. I hope you all enjoy because this was way too fun to write.

Word Count: 1823 (I really should have just written this as a fic, but I was feeling lazy and I’m tired) this part two. I’m going to have to write a third part to this and it’s going to be funny and hopefully we’ll get on to some sexy times in part three

(PART ONE)

You wake up several hours later and the first thing you did was check your phone. Unsure if you dreamt or hallucinated last night. Did Rami Malek really come to your apartment, find your smutty fanfiction and then get addicted to Tumblr while sitting on your couch?

Checking your Tumblr notifications you see you had several messages from Rami’s blog ItsMeRami.

ItsMeRami sent a post.“Wow people are so creative. I’ve never said or done shit like that in my life.” 

“I just got six messages from people asking if my blog was the real Rami. I said ‘as if’. I’m cackling.” 

ItsMeRami sent a post “Holy hell that was kinda hot, I think we should try something like that. Or maybe you aren’t into the possibility of calling me Daddy?” 

“ItsMeRami sent a post. “What in the actual fuck is this weird shit?!” 

It’sMeRami sent a post. “This is.. I have no words.” 

“This Peen blog is fucking hilarious. I might have to specifically start wearing no underwear all the time, and whenever cameras are about start thrusting my hips.” 

“Wow. I never realized just how visible my dick is when I don’t wear underwear.” 

“Omg Free-Rami’s blog is hilarious. Some of these people on here are crazy but I love her sarcastic responses.” 

“I hope you don’t mind. Since we follow each other now I started looking at some of your other blogs you follow… wow. Just wow.”

 ItsMeRami sent a post. “This is pretty interesting, maybe I should role play as Snafu for you, that could be fun. You seem to like a lot of posts about Snafu. This piece was interesting. Maybe we should find a train and… “ 

ItsMeRami sent a post. “I’m.. what the fuck.. You warned me about this place being a hellsite, maybe I should quit while I’m ahead. This is too much.” 

“I hope to God we’re still on for later because I want to try some of this stuff with you. By the way, I really loved the pieces you wrote. The question is do you want it quick and dirty or slow and sensual? Maybe both? We could do both right? Shit, I need to get off of here for a while and actually go to sleep. This is why I don’t do social media dammit, and damn you woman, what did you do?” 

“Hope you are getting some good sleep. Good night..er morning.. I’ll message you in a few hours. XOXO”

Finally having read through a majority of the messages you type a response. “Your responses to this place of Tumblr hell are the best things the internet could ever offer. I just woke up and I can’t stop laughing. I will look at all the individual posts later. You can always deactivate your blog later if you don’t want to keep it. Noone will fault you for that. As for tonight.. Bring it however you want, Daddy..or Sir.. or Rami.. whatever you want to be called. It’s alright. We can figure it out when you get here. What time were you thinking? I can make or order us some food and we can chill for a while.”

Your phone alert lets you know that there is another notification, thinking it was from Rami you picked it up. It wasn’t though it was from your friend @free-rami 

“Hey girl, have you seen this new blog ItsMeRami?” 

You almost choke. 

“No. Why?” 

“There is a rumor going around that given the title that maybe Rami is really on Tumblr.” 

“I highly doubt that, it’s probably just someone trying to stir some shit or something.I thought Rami doesn’t do social media? Though Tumblr is fairly anonymous so if he were to pick any platform to actively use this is the best one do so undercover.” 

“Yeah that’s what I thought but some of the stuff that’s been posted on there is interesting. It’s almost written as if it really is him or someone who knows him.”

 “I’m about to shower, but I will def check it out when I get out”.

“Cool, let me know what you think. I’m curious….”

“Will do, though it most likely is just some crazy fan or something.”

“Probably. People on here are crazy as hell sometimes.”

You finished your shower and ended up checking out the ItsMeRami blog. What you found had you laughing your ass off. For someone not very savvy on social media, Rami sure took to Tumblr quickly. 

A favorite thing of his, is apparently to go search for fan photos and reblog with random commentary about ‘I don’t remember this’ or ‘You look so happy’ or ‘What the hell is that guy wearing?’ or ‘Who the hell does this guy think he is?”

You are apparently going to have to have another conversation with him about the meaning of anonymous. Damn his inbox and message box must be full.

It wasn’t until you started to find his fanfiction reblogs that his comments really became hilarious.

``I don’t think I’ve ever ripped someone's shirt off with my teeth, but maybe I’ll have to try it. Any volunteers?@yourTUMBLRurl’ 

‘Why is she calling me Daddy? I’m not her father. That would be really inappropriate.’

‘Yeah sex on a beach is a no-go for me. Have you ever done that? Sand gets everywhere, including places you don’t want it to.’

‘My eyes are beautiful, aren't they? But I’ll never tell exactly what color they are, I like reading about other’s hilarious descriptions of them.’

‘Holy shit, you wrote about a character you guys haven’t even met yet?! That’s so cool, and maybe, just maybe, your characterization of this… Detective Cutie Pants is almost spot on.’

‘Wow. Benjamin fanfiction. This is.. That’s some old stuff right there!’

‘You all really love Snafu don’t you? He was a fun guy to play. I’m glad you all think he’s sexy.’

‘I’m not gay, but this is beautifully pornographic’

‘Wow that was quite a read. Personally, I’ve never actually had a threesome but it sounds quite exciting, and exhausting.’

‘This is just perfection. The setting, the writing, except those leather pants did not come off that quickly or easily.’

``I'm pretty sure my homie Elliot probably wasn’t as bold as he is here, but very creative fresh take on things. I’m going to pass this along to Sam to see what his thoughts on this are.’

Deciding to message your friend @free-rami back, all you had to say was “Whoever this is I highly suspect is just trying to do an impersonation. I mean isn’t his username for this the same as that email from the Rami Undercover Online piece from the end of the summer? Honestly, I just think it’s someone trying to rile people up.”

“I think you’re right, it’s just weird. Why would someone do this?”

Likes, attention, followers? Who knows? I’m pretty sure that it’s fake. There is no real information in the profile so it’s hard to tell, I think. No telling with the loons that are out there.”

“Did you notice that they reblogged nearly your entire masterlist?”

“Yeah I woke up to a ton of notifications. I’m going to send them a message and see if I can get to the bottom of this.”

“Let me know how it goes.”

“Will do! :)”

You message Rami again and hope that he will see it under the millions of messages that he may likely be receiving now.

“WTF!!! I thought you wanted to remain anon? Seriously? Those comments were fucking gold though but you’ve got the whole internet in a tizzy now! I’m sure this shit has already been tweeted, facebooked, snapchatted, or instagrammed. CALL ME WHEN YOU CAN AT 555-730-0054”

He messages back with “I’m not really sure what’s going on here but I have a ton of notifications and messages, I barely saw yours. Thankfully you are the only person I follow so I figured out how to message you that way. I see your other message now. I’m going to call in a second but yeah… I might have actually gone too far on some of those comments.”

He obviously hit send and then immediately called you because your phone started vibrating in your hand.

“Hey you!” 

“Hey you too! Sooooo.. What the hell did I do last night?”

“Started a fan frenzy, a shit storm, a kerfuffle, chaos. I’m on my laptop right now and I’m watching my notifications go off like crazy all of a sudden. I’m thinking that people may have figured out that I’m the only one that you follow, and they may suspect that it’s me doing this. Hold on, let me pull some asks.”

Your ask box suddenly had 596 asks. 

“Are you pretending to be Rami?” “How do you know Rami?” “Are you Rami?” “Wtf is going on?” “Are you Rami’s girlfriend?” “Eat shit and die bitch.” “You know Rami and you didn’t tell us?” “I think you are a slut. You should probably go slit your wrists.” “THIS IS INSANITY! RAMI JOINED TUMBLR AND RANDOMLY FOLLOWED YOU? WHY YOU? MY BLOG HAS BETTER CONTENT!” 

You just let out a deep sigh as you talked to Rami for a little bit longer. He agreed to come over later and you’d make him dinner. You read some of the anon messages that you started to receive and he just kept apologizing.

You told him your plan and he agreed that hopefully it would work, but you were unsure if people were willing to take the bait.

The post you made said this:

I, yourTUMBLRurl, swear that I am not the individual going around and impersonating Rami Malek on Tumblr (ItsMeRami). I do not condone that behavior, but I think that it’s also best that at this time to withhold any speculation about who this individual may be. If it really is Rami Malek then let him make that known when and if he chooses to do so. 

You then hit your inbox and deleted the hundreds of asks that you’d received mostly anonymously some full of hate and others just curious.

Okay, I had to break this up again (PART THREE)

@the-real-ramimalekpeen @mrhoemazzello @xmxisxforxmaybe @txmel @spacedustmazzello @ramimedley @hissom1933

[holylulusworld]

Partner from hell – Part 11

Summary: After quitting her job as a profiler (FBI) the reader starts working for a special unit of the NYC police department. As all cops refuse to work with the enemy she ends up being the new partner of Dean Winchester. The man who hates partners.

Pairing: Cop!Dean x Reader, Bobby Singer, OMC Miller, OFC’s

Warnings: angst, crime, murder, investigations, fun, a hint of fluff, comforting, descriptions of murder (victims), blood, mentions of incest (victims)

Part 2 of case 2

Partner from hell Masterlist

“You were right, smart pants.”

“I was?”

Glancing at the file in Dean’s hands you cock a brow. He’s smirking, sitting onto your desk, leaning close to your ear.

“The daughter was the mother of the baby but here comes the sick part. The father is also the grandfather.” Dean is scrunching up his nose in disgust. “Sick bastard abused his daughter.”

“Fuck! I remember where I saw this picture! It was a crime-scene photo. During my profiling training in Quantico, we tried to solve old cases, unsolved cases. There was a family, murdered in 1987. The mother was holding a doll instead of the baby but everything else was correct.”

You pinch the bridge of your nose, trying to remember more details.

“Anything else you can remember?” Dean gets his phone out, sending Charlie a message to let her dig out all murder cases of 1987 if needed.

“The whole family got slaughtered except for the baby; the little girl was gone without a trace. We assumed the killed took the baby after he or she killed the family. The only difference the crime scene looked like it was a scene straight out of a slasher movie. Blood all over the walls, the clothes where blood-soaked, and the cuts were not precise as the ones our killer made.”

“Figures. Our victims were drugged, unconscious and didn’t fight back. I guess the other family fought for their lives.” Dean is scratching his chin, waiting for more information coming to your mind.

“The name of the family was Stark, I think. Mother, father, son, and daughter got slaughtered. The baby was missing, tho. According to the files, the police never found her. Everyone believed she’s dead too.” Opening your browser, you access a hidden FTP server.

“Son of a bitch! You’ve got a nice secret server?” Dean whispers and you chuckle lightly. “Bad girl.”

“Hmm…I do not trust anyone. Back then everyone tried to solve the case, but no one wanted to follow my idea.” You shrug opened the folder with old cases.

“You’ve got the whole file? Smart pants, I love you.” Dean gets behind your chair, leaning closer to get a better look at the file.

“I always uploaded interesting cases to my secret server. I didn’t share my ideas until I had a breakthrough, Dean. I always assumed something was off with this case and that the baby is still alive.” You explain opening the crime-scene photos.

“Shit, you’re right. Same modus operandi but that killer was a slaughter, not a surgeon as our perpetrator. See the wounds at the father’s hands? He fought with all his strength against his attacker, just like the mother. I guess she wanted to save her children.”

Dean’s eyes drift toward a picture of a photo frame and he freezes. “Look at this. Same pattern. Mommy is holding the baby but only the daughter is looking lovingly at the little girl in her mother’s arms. God, don’t tell me Stark was abusing his daughter too.” Dean curses starting to pace around your desk.

“We can’t know that for sure, Dean. The cases are similar in a few points, but our killer can’t be the same as the one killing the Starks. I guess it’s someone close to the family Stark, or someone knowing about this case…” Trailing of you see Miller waving at you, showing you the files, you ordered.

“More files, smart pants?” Dean groans hating research with every fiber of his body. “Yay…research…”

“Dude, we need to check for possible victims. I believe someone knew about the abuse in this family. Maybe someone reported it. I got all anonymous reports about sexual abuse of the last two years.”

“Research…I hate research.”

“Dean. We need to find a trace who knew about the abuse and that Louise was the mother of her brother. The cases are too similar for someone not knowing about the abuse.” Your fingers start shaking at the thought both girls got abused by their fathers.

“You okay, Sweetheart?” Dean asks sitting onto your desk once again. His hand covers yours, squeezing it tightly. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I loved my dad; he was a good man. I could never imagine the betrayal Louise must’ve felt when he…” Sighing you look at another picture. “The families, the modus operandi. Everything matches Dean. We need to analyze Janet’s blood and compare it with her missing sister’s hair examples.”

“You think the samples are still usable?” Dean’s eyes drift toward the pictures once again, shuddering at the sight of the dead baby in Louise’s moms’ arms. “Why did our perpetrator kill the baby too? Doesn’t make sense if he wants to copy this old case, Y/N.”

Glancing at the pictures in Dean’s hand you nod, not knowing the answer yet. There’s something about this case letting cold shivers run down your spine.

“I know this is a big difference. Let me play this in my head. The baby, the missing girl should be thirty-two now. What if…” You say playing with your pen, closing your eyes to walk through the crimes-scene in your mind.

“You think the baby could be the killer - right, smart pants?”

“I don’t know yet. But who else should be interested to arrange a crime scene like that? The cops investigating the case are all dead by now, just like the forensics. No one involved in this case is still alive.”

“We should head back home, eat a slice of pizza and have a beer. We can grab the files and do my beloved research while eating hot pizza.” Dean suggests while his stomach rumbles.

“I guess my partner from hell is hungry…” Slapping Dean’s thigh you chuckle, giving him a wink. “Let’s roll then…”

----

“I never thought there are so many anonymous reports about sexual abuse. There are so many sick guys out there, makes me want to vomit. A father should protect his child, not hurt…”

“I know, Dean. I worked for the special victim’s unit for a while.”

Dean’s eyes meet yours as you give him a cracked smile. “Must’ve been tough.”

“There are bad people or rather sick people out there, Dean. Not everyone is as nice as your brother, Bobby and you. Bad things happen to innocent people, that’s the reason I’m doing this job, the reason I won’t give up.”

Dean’s eyes lit up watching you leaning your head against his shoulder, as you pat his thigh. He’s covering your hand with his larger one, squeezing it tightly.

“You’re not alone, you’ve got your partner from hell. We will find this monster and arrest him just like the last sick bastard, Y/N. Did I ever apologize for being an ass?” Dean whispers.

“Nah, you are a partner from hell. This kind of guys never apologize with words but with actions. You saved me and gave me a home, a new partner and delicious pizza, Dean.”

“I knew you are only into my pizza. Sexy pizza destroyer…” Dean husks and you slap his hand away, glaring at your tall partner.

“Don’t get cocky Winchester!” Pointing toward his cock you shake your head. “Forget it. I’m not one of your flings, Detective.”

“One day you will fall for my charm. Hard and fast, Sweetheart.” Leaning closer Dean plants, a soft kiss to your hair. “Till then we can be friends, Y/N. How about some pie? I love me some pie.”

“Give me some pie, another beer and a pile of files and I might rethink the ‘no sex with my partner’ rule.” Chuckling you watch Dean rushing toward the kitchen to get more beer and his pie.

“I might let you see my cute naked ass in three or four years.” You yell making Dean stopping in his tracks, cursing.

“Not fair, smart pants…not fair…”

“Hmm…I like seeing you squirm partner. Now get me this pie and we can talk about more research.”

“You’re lucky I like you, partner,” Dean mutters.

“Still not a chance, Dean…”

“I wouldn’t bet on that…”

SPN Forever Tags

@donnaintx, @screechingartisancashbailiff, @fallen-wolf22, @sister-winchesters99, @mogaruke, @the-is13, @helloitsmeamie203, @strayrosesbloom, @thewinchesterco, @hobby27, @kittycatlover18, @gh0stgurl, @marvelfansworld , @sandlee44, @hawaiianohana31, @unlikelysamwinchesteronahunt, @katpatrova17, @notyourtypicalrose , @heyitscam99, @onethingthatkeepsmealive, @natura1phenomenon, @flamencodiva, @echoesofpassion, @cocklesbelli, @voltage-my2dlove, @fandom-princess-forevermore, @thenamelesschibi, @lauravic, @fandomsrourlives, @wittysunflower, @drakelover78, @lemondropirwin, @lonewolf471, @wronglanemendes, @spnhollis, @void-imaginations, @jay-and-dean, @shatteredabby, @juniorhuntersam, @helpmeluci, @neii3n, @goodgodimaweirdperson, @alltimesamantha, @chonisberonica, @supernaturalonice @stuckys-whore, @shadowkat-83, @officialmarvelwhore, @certaindeanwinchesterforcastiel, @wecantgiggleitsafandom, @meganywinchester, @shikshinkwon, @miraclesoflove, @yolobloggers, @guardian-tn, @lu-sullivan, @maniacproffesor, @hollymac79, @straycuties9, @kayla-2000, @ilovefanfic86, @gracefultrenchcoat494, @babygirls-fav, @sadn0va, @spnwoman @amiquette, @linki-locks11, @geekofmanyforms, @eggingamazinglove, @jessica-marsh09, @spnficgirl, @shut-themoonscone, @thequeenreaders, @countrygal17a, @kteelou, @soryuwifeyxx, @kricketc28, @atomicfandombomb, @defenderrosetyler , @differentstudentrunaway-e70bf763

If your name is crossed out Tumblr won’t let me tag you for some reason. Sorry.

Dean/Jensen Forever Tags     

@spnfamily-j2, @supernatural-bellawinchester, @butifulsoul125, @lyinginthegingerlocks, @deans-baby-momma, @spn-dean-and-sam-winchester, @20gayneen, @janicho88, @thefaithfulwriter, @dreaminemz, @negans-lucille-tblr , @sadwaywardkid, @akshi8278, @hhiggs, @midnightsilver16830, @mrspeacem1nusone, @ria132love, @caligraphee, @the-witch-in-silence, @multisuperfandom, @deansgirl-1968, @justanotherwinchester, @jadesupernatural, @squirrelnotsam, @gaveherhearttotheliontattoo​, @shortwinchester, @roonyxx, @jason-todd-squad, @thevelvetseries​, @spnsuper17​, @adoptdontshoppets​

Partner from hell Tags

@moonlight-on-her-skin​

[onisiondrama]

Killstream w/ Onision 3/30/2020 - Summary Part 4

Re-Upload

(Unless specifically stated, everything written is from Greg / James’ words. Parenthesis are my notes/thoughts.):

Host is reading questions from fans who paid. Someone asked if Greg really went to SERE school and if he passed. Greg says he flunked out because he couldn't kill a rabbit.

Someone asked why he isn’t friends with Cyr, says they heard it was because they heard Cyr didn’t vote for Hillary in 2016. Greg says this is why he likes NDA’s, this could have been handled privately and they would still be friends. Says Cyr voted independent and that’s retarded. It escalated after Cyr’s girlfriend Dasha got involved. He says Dasha is the girl Cyr hit. Dasha was anti-o and Cyr became one. (It did not escalate because of Dasha. Greg publicly terminated the friendship way before she got involved. This was in November 2016. Cyr and Greg had a few jabs at each other after. In December, Cyr made a diss track about how Greg profits off of drama and makes fake drama. Greg made a diss track in response about Cyr and in it he called Dahsa a “Russian prostitute”. That’s when she started started tweeting against Greg. Their friendship was already dead at that point.)

Greg says Hansen says the window thing was all Greg’s fault. (Did he? I don’t recall that. EDIT: No he didn’t. They just talked about how they thought it was strange he filmed his child after.)

Greg says Sarah was the worst out of all (the exes I guess?) because she went after Kai, who did nothing wrong. Sarah wanted vengeance because Greg hurt her feelings. He says Billie admitted she’s a vengeful person and Shiloh is bat shit crazy, as Edwin found out. He says the crazy can’t hide in some people and it comes out quick. He says when she said she was going to kill herself and make it look like he did it, his mom and aunt laughed sadistically over the phone when they heard it. He says he was weirded out but now he kind of gets it because the situation was so ridiculous.

Keem asks if Greg was molested by his dad. Greg says no, but his dad is an accused child molester and he doesn’t remember most of his childhood. He says according to people, his dad and other family members were molested and maybe that’s why he (his father) is an alleged molester.

Greg says he was never touched by an adult, but when he was 11 he finger banged a girl that was 4 years older than him because she went to his bed. Everyone reacts really shocked and sympathetic. “Oh man.” “Oh bro.” He says it was his first kiss too. Host asks if he understands he was molested and they’re all concerned. Greg asks how he suffered. Host says it sounds like he was molested in his voice. Keem says something about people who were molested when they were young have a nasally voice. Host says a lot of people are emotionally stunted from being molested. Greg says he really doesn’t think he was molested and his dad wasn’t into penis.

They talk about Greg’s livestream with Newsweek guy. Keems says Greg steamrolled him. Keem talks about a bad experience he had with the same reporter.

They read an anonymous submission to a blog where anon accuses of Greg of influencing their friend to commit suicide because of his Speaks videos. (From back when they were opinion / advise videos.) Greg in response reads tweets from fans saying he saved their life. He says you can’t pick and chose who you believe.

They play the clip of Holly on Hansen’s stream accusing Greg of influencing a fan to starve them self to death because of his videos. Everyone (but Greg) says they don’t believe it and laugh. Greg says she’s lying because she’s looking up to the right.

Greg says Repzion gave up on being a Youtuber and went to welding school, but started up again when he made a video about the Wetlands. Says Repzion thanked Greg for rebooting his career. (I’m pretty sure Repzion thanked him for paying off his schooling, but idk. I don’t feel like looking that one up, but I thought Repzion said he’s not a Youtuber anymore, just does it on the side.)

Keem says the anti-o movement imploded because Greg wasn’t arrested and there’s nothing to talk about anymore so they make up lies. Greg says he was mean to a lot of people so they wanted to hurt him and their shining knight (Hansen) flopped on his face. Host agrees.

Host goes back to reading questions. Someone asked if Greg is gay because he’s with Kai. Greg says he’s “2020 gay, not 2019 gay.” (I think this was a joke? I’m really not sure. It was a flat delivery for him, not a typical joking style for him.)

Greg decides to defend himself for taking a photo of his kid after she fell out of a window even though no one brought it up. He says you know when someone takes a picture of a body before they move it? That’s what he did. He says he took a video from the window down to show where the impact happened. He says it would be for the doctor or detective if they needed it. He says it’s important to know how the child fell. Host asks what he would say to someone who never heard of anyone doing that before. He says he had time to think about it and the other parent was bending down,  blocking part of the child. He says he told the detective he learned to do that from Shiloh because he filmed himself so they would know what he was doing when he waited for the police to show up and to show she wasn’t murdered by him. He says he also gave the ring video. Host asks if “other parent” was the mother. Greg says it’s complicated with the transgender thing, but yes technically mother.

Keem asks if Greg felt responsible or guilty. Greg says it could have been avoided if he was smarter. He says it wouldn’t have happened to other parents that were more paranoid about windows. He thought he positioned the bed in a way she couldn’t climb onto it. Only the corner of the bed was by the window. He says if she grows up to blame him, technically he is to blame. Throughout him saying this, they keep asking but did you feel guilty? He finally answers yes and laughs. Keem says it’s normal for a parent to feel guilty. Greg says it’s on whoever was watching the kid at the time (I guess that would have been Kai?), but then he says you could spend all day trying to figure out why it’s not your fault.

Greg says when he was at VidCon someone yelled “SHANE DAWSON” at him. He turned around and they were like, “oh.” He says he hates that.

Keem asked if he wore a bulletproof to VidCon. Greg says he got death threats and didn’t care if he looked stupid. He says everyone thought it was stupid until the Christina Grimme thing happened, but she got shot in the face so that wouldn’t help. Keem asks if wore it to court. Greg says yes. Says people said he wore it backwards but he doesn’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. He says he didn’t want to get stabbed. Says it’s stab proof and 9mm proof.

Someone asks how young to too young. Greg says no if you’re under 25, you’re too young for him.

Someone asks what he plans to do when this is over. Greg says CGI porn, it’s pretty fun.

Someone asks why he didn’t do anything after his moderators told him there were undesirables on his forums. Greg says it was their job to ban them. He says his Discord moderators mostly ban people, he rarely bans anyone. Moderators are there to do their fucking job, not ask questions.

Someone asked why he continued to make videos about Eugenia Cooney after she asked him to stop. He says he kept making videos about her because they were positive, but the anti-o retards don’t hear him. He says if he asks Repzion to stop making videos about him and Rep started making videos about how much he loves Onision, he wouldn’t tell him to stop again. He says Eugenia said to stop making negative videos and never complained after that. (That is not true. She sent the email asking him to stop in Feb 2017. After, he went on to make 55 more videos about her including many “negative” videos such as a video where he starved her to death in The Sims and a video of him laughing at her being beat up in a WWE game. Here is a timeline.)

[danganronpa-tng]

EstrellAeja AU fic!

(Reminder; this is NOT CANON! This is a non killing game au where the parents still lived and had kids, but those kids weren't put in a killing game. I wrote this ages ago when we first made TNG so excuse the probably poor writing lol)

Enjoy!!

Aeja had been living with her girlfriend, Estrella, for around two years now, and everything was going well. Estrella was, quite honestly, chaotic, but she was fun to be around. Aeja was the opposite- calm and organised, but still able to take a laugh. Estrella had gotten Aeja a job at her Dad's detective agency, but as far as Aeja knew, Estrella's 'job' was her organisation. She didn't let much slide about her organisation, but she liked to brag to everyone about the amount of members she had and how she practically controlled the world from behind the scenes. Today, Aeja finally decided to ask Estrella what she did. "Hey, Estrella?" She sat at the table, placing a plate of toast down in front of her. "Mm?" Estrella was already eating when she sat. Estrella had the biggest appetite out of anyone she knew. "So, you run DICE now, right?" "Yep! I thought you knew this..?" Estrella raised an eyebrow at Aeja, her raising one back, in character as a copycat. This got a smirk out of them both. "Yeah, but I was just wondering... what do you actually do?" Aeja asked. "Well, we-" "Aside from manipulating governments, controlling the Black market and taking over the world." "...Ah. I see you've thought this through, miss detective-in-training!" She giggled, crossing her legs. "Well, if we're being honest, it's usually either petty pranks, petty crimes, or first degree murder." "Wh- first degree murder?!" Aeja asked, coughing slightly on her toast. "Well, if there's someone you need gone, there's only one good way to do it- yourself!" She explained nonchalantly. "Speaking of, anyone been bothering my girlfriend lately, huh~?" Estrella teased, but it sounded like there was a hint of sincerity behind it. "No, everything's been fine. There's this one criminal that your father is finding hard to catch, but other then tha-" "Name." "What?" She asked. "Do they have a name? Just wondering. Some criminals- heh, like my members- stay anonymous." Estrella explained. Aeja knew Estrella like the back of her hand, and she knew when her girlfriend was lying to her, but she decided to humor her. "Yasmeen Chance. Not much of a threat physically, but she's robbed a few places." She explained. "Huh. Well, as long as you're good, I couldn't give a shit about the places she's robbed." Estrella said with an air of finality. Aeja had to laugh at her reactions to things.

Aeja did find it odd, though, that a certain Yasmeen Chance was reported dead two days later. Suicide, they told her. Seemed mighty suspicious, but hey, she was out of Aeja's hair. She'll take it. "Hey, Estrella?" She called when she got home that day. "Welcome home, miss detective-in-training! How was your day?" Estrella came out of her room to greet her. "Mmm, not bad, but..." "Buuuut?" "Remember that girl I was telling you about?" "Yasmeen? Yeah, I remember her. What's up?" "She's dead. Got reported dead today." "Yeah, I know." Aeja froze at that. "You... know?" "Yeah?" "That information was confidential, only released to the family and the agency." Estrella just shrugged. "I have eyes and ears everywhere, Aeja. Perks of running an organisation!" She smiled nonchalantly before walking into the kitchen. "Want me to get started on dinner while you get changed?" "...Sure. Sure, thanks." "Anytime, detective--" "Detective-in-training?" "Ahh, you know me so well!" Estrella giggled, before setting herself to work.

Later on, after dinner, Aeja had gone out to get some groceries. When she came back, she came in to Estrella on the phone. "...Yep, it all worked out. Everyone thinks it was a suicide. Even Dad and Aeja, and they're great at seeing through lies. I think Pops might have guessed what happened, but even if he did, he wouldn't tell." "...I just don't want Aeja to be having a hard time. She's dealt with enough in her life. Anything I can do to make things easier for her, I will. Even if it ends a life, I'll do it. For her, y'know?" "...Ah, sorry. Got a bit melodramatic there for a second!" "...Yeah, you did great. Thanks, 7. I'll pay you when I get in tomorrow." "...Yes, you're getting paid. When do I ever skip out on payment, especially for a murder this complex?" "...It's no problem. A boss needs to pay their employees, after all! Besides, everyone works really hard, it wouldn't be fair to underpay you guys." "Oh, actually, remind me to talk to you guys tomorrow about something. It's important... to me, anyways. I know I keep asking you guys for favors, but I'm really freakin' incompetent. Besides, y'all are really helpful when I need these favors." "...Thanks, 7. You're the best! "...You too, 7. Have a great night!" And then she hung up. That explained how Estrella knew that Yasmeen was dead- she orchestrated her death! But how did she get everyone to believe it was a suicide? They had everyone fooled, even her own dad. If Estrella was anyone else to her, Aeja would have to report this. But she did this for her, just to make things easier. It was a weird feeling. She'd never had someone aside from her parents care about her that much before. So maybe she'd just leave her be. "Hey, sweetie! I'm home." "Ah! Welcome back, miss detective-in-training~!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was the 28th of May. One day before Aeja's birthday. It had also been two days since Estrella had been home. She wasn't concerned; Estrella had been texting and calling her the whole time. Apparently she got roped into going on one of the longer heists a bit across the country, but she had kept in contact with Aeja, so she knew she was OK. It still got lonely being home alone, though. Especially when you're used to waking up each morning to a playful kiss on the cheek and a small song from your eccentric girlfriend every day, for two years. She was supposed to be home that day, in time for her birthday, but then Aeja got another call. "Hey, Aeja..?" "Hey, sweetie. What's up?" "Ah, nothing, I just wanted to talk to you..!" "...Uh huh. Now, what's really up?" Estrella sighed. "I just found out the heist got delayed a day..." "...oh." "I don't think I'll be home tomorrow. I'm really sorry, Aeja!" "It's... it's fine. Just call me before you do the heist, ok?" "Ok, honey. Sorry." "It's no problem. I'll see you in a few days." "See you, miss detective-in-training..!" Click. She had heard Estrella's words, but it took them a moment to sink in. And when they did, Aeja found a tear dripping down her face. Then another. Soon, she was sitting on the couch, sobbing into her hands. She had been so excited to spend her birthday with Estrella, and now all she'd get was a call. It could be worse, though. At least she'd still get to hear her voice. But that was all she was gonna get. Maybe she was being too selfish. Any money they made from the heist would help them pay rent and the likes. At least she wasn't off sleeping with other women. "M... maybe I can spend the day with Dad and Father..." She sniffled, before reaching for her phone and dialing her Dad's number. "Hey, Dad..." "Ah, Aeja! How are you?" "Ok, I guess. Hey, are you and Father free tomorrow? Y'know, 'cause-" "Ah, sorry honey. Me and your father are out of town tomorrow. I didn't think there was anything on. Sorry!" "Ah... No problem. Have a good time with Father." "We will. See you soon, honey!" "Bye." Click. Great. She was alone on her birthday. Totally alone. Could it get any worse?

"Well, hey. At least she bought it! I mean, sure, I could feel her heart breaking, but it'll all be ok! Hehehe... Aren't I such a great liar?"

It was the next day, the 29th. Aeja, not having anything better to do with Estrella and her parents being out of town, decided to go into work. She had the day booked off, but she figured she may as well earn some extra cash. Besides, working on cases takes her mind off things. When she got to the detective agency, Saihara wasn't there, but Ouma was. "Ah, good morning Mr. Ouma. Is Mr. Sahara out?" "Oh, Aeja? No, my dear Shumai died. Isn't it tragic?" Ouma lied, placing a hand across his forehead for dramatic effect. "Yes, truly so." She took that as a yes. "Hmmmm... Say, isn't it your birthday? Why are you here? Got nothing better to do on your day off then work? Lame." Ouma questioned. "Well, no actually. My parents are out of town, and Estrella's been off on a heist for days, so-" "A heist? No way. If it's a big important one that takes up days, I go to watch. I would've heard something." Ouma waved his hand around a bit, grabbing a bottle of Panta off the table beside him. "...what?" Was all Aeja could say. Estrella had been gone for days on something that didn't even exist? Estrella was a good liar, but not this good. "Yep. Sounds like she pulled a fast one on ya, kiddo! Nishishishishishi~" He giggled playfully. "...Well, then." "Welly welly well well well! Kinda proud of my own daughter pulling off such an elaborate lie. Anyways, no harm, no foul. It sucks watching this dump alone. Wanna stick around? You don't hafta work, if you don't wanna. I have a deck of cards handy, so, uh..?" "Do you know how to play Texas Hold 'Em?" "Who doesn't?! No guarantees I won't cheat though, nishishishi!" "Estrella does too, I'm used to it. Sure, let's play." Estrella. Even saying her name right now hurt. She decided to try and drown her feelings of anger and confusion and sadness by keeping a grown man from cheating against her. Keeping an eye on his every move kind of distracted her a bit.

(I don't know how poker works, bear with me)

Eventually, Saihara came back, just at the end of a round. "Ah, good evening Mr. Saihara. How was your evening?" "Remember we talked about first names? You're practically my daughter too. Same with Kokichi!" "Yeah, she's been calling me Mr. Ouma all evening. Although, I suppose it'll be Mr Saihara-Chan too soon~" "Oh you two are engaged? Congratulations." "Well, yes. Although we don't know who's taking which name yet, we are engaged! Anyways, back to the topic, my evening was very pleasant, thank you. How was your d- wait, isn't it your birthday?" "Yes." "And she spent it playing poker against me, and losing!" "You've only beat me once." "Still!" Ouma pouted, taking another drink out of his second bottle of Panta. "If I remember correctly, you had today booked off, right? Aren't you supposed to be at home with Estrella?" "She was... Out of town today, I guess." "Huh, weird. Anyways, you can head home, if you'd like. I'll still pay you for coming in. Think of it as your birthday gift!" "Thanks, Mr. Sai- Shuichi. Have a good day. You too, Kokichi." "See ya, kid!" "Have a good day, Aeja!" As Aeja put on her coat and walked out the door, she heard Saihara mutter 'Do you think I kept her too long! She'll be waiting...' If 'she' was Estrella, she'd sure as hell be waiting for an angry phone call from her as soon as she got home. But when she got home, she noticed the door cracked open. She always locked the door before leaving. Someone had broken in. Aeja sprinted in the house to check what had happened. Whoever broke in obviously hadn't taken much, but they'd left a trail to the kitchen. A small trail of blood. She followed it quickly, before stopping abrubtly at seeing the kitchen. A few plates were smashed, the tablecloth was on the floor, the vase of roses she had gotten Estrella a few weeks ago was smashed, the water in a puddle and the roses missing, and, most suspiciously, a note on the table, a small bloodstain in the corner. 'If you want to know what happened here, go to this address. I know you love a good mystery. And I'd say your girlfriend may be happy to see you!' The address of a small restaurant her and Etrella frequented was scribbled on the sheet, underneath the message. It wasn't Estrella's handwriting, which made this worse. At least if it was her, she could relax. But now someone had broken in to her house on her birthday, which would just add more to her workload the next day, and kidnapped her girlfriend. Estrella must have gotten home while she was out. She quickly rang Saihara to explain what happened, in tears the whole time, then rushed back out to find the restaurant. Usually Estrella directed her, so finding it was a small challenge. Estrella. Earlier she could barely say the name for hatred, now she couldn't even think of her without sobbing. She eventually found it, noticing quite quickly it was empty. She thought the door would be locked, but it opened without a hitch. Rushing in and up the stairs (you never keep a hostage on the ground floor) she expected to see the captor, or at least Estrella tied up so she could free her. What she did see was... Something else.

Rose petals were scattered across the floor, all of the tables and chairs moved to the side, candles burning in the corners of the room, a soft instrumental to a song Aeja loved, the bunch of roses that went missing, and Estrella. In a dress Aeja had never seen before, a clown mask covering everywhere above her mouth and nose, and her hair down. "Hey, miss detective-in-training." Aeja was speechless. She didn't understand what was going on. "Wh... But... You- the note... there was blood... A-are you-?" "Oh, right. I should probably make sure you know I'm who I say I am." She took off her mask and held her hair beside her head, making her look kind of how she normally looked. "Happy Birthday, honey!" And the next thing Estrella knew, she was wrapped in a sobbing Aeja's embrace. "Don't... *hic* don't ever do that to me again! I thought... I thought I'd lost you..." "Awww, Aeja... You could never lose me. I'm too good to die." Some laughter came between the sobs, making it hard to tell if she was shaking from laughter or sadness. "Anyways, I won't need to do this again. Not if you say what I hope you'll say, anyways." "Wh... What..?" Estrella pulled away from the embrace, fiddling around in a pocket as she spoke, her eyes always on Aeja. "Aeja Hinata Komaeda." "Oh g-god, you used my full name, eheheh- *hic*" "Yeah. Anyways, Aeja Hinata Komaeda. We have been together for two years, and it has been the best two years of my life. You are the best, most smartest-" "Most smartest..?" "Shut up- person I have ever met and I don't deserve someone as good as you. You help cheer me up when I'm sad, make me keep trying even when I feel like quitting, and hell, you give me a reason to get out of bed in the morning! I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you by my side, because like I said, I don't deserve you. But in case you, for some reason, think I do..." She got down on her knees, then adjusted so she was on one knee. She pulled a box out of the pocket she was fiddling with, opening it. Aeja gasped. "Oh... Oh my goodness..." Estrella took a deep breath. "Aeja Hinata Komaeda. Will you do me the honour of being my wife?" And for a moment, aside from the soft music playing, all was silent. After a moment of wiping her tears and fixing her composure... "Yes. Yes! Oh my goodness, yes!" "Oh... Oh my fuckin- thank God..!" And Estrella was up on her feet, and they were in each others arms again, laughing through the tears of happiness they couldn't hold back. "You... You have no idea how long this took to plan... I had DICE in on it, and my dads, and your dads-" "Wait, Dad and Father?! I thought they were out of town..?" "Nah, I just asked them to lie if you called, which I'm guessing you did, huh? And not to mention the days away from you. God, that was torture!" "You're telling me..! It was so lonely without you at home!" "I know, I know..." Estrella said softly, running her fingers through Aeja's hair. It usually comforted them both when she did that. "It'll never happen again, I promise..." "...I missed you..." "I missed you too. I'm sorry if I made you upset." "It's ok... *hic* it was all worth it, just for this..." "Well, phew. If not, that was alot of time and effort gone to waste." They were just laughing now, feeling comfort in each other's presence. Once the ring was on Aeja's finger, they just swayed to the slow music playing. They were happy with eachother. And that's all they needed right now. Eachother.

"Your parents are engaged now, by the way." "Wait, WHAT?! When the FUCK did that happen?!"

-End-

[toasters-and-rockets]

Sarcastic Lander Part 3/?

Tweets by Viking 1 (@BagelKingofMars)

Taking the first soil samples now! Check it! 

(July 28, 4:49 pm)

Whoa, OK, this brought out the trolls. RIP my mentions. It’s amazing how anonymity brings out the worst in people. You think you’re so clever for mocking a human’s body type or a machine’s soil sampler. (July 28, 4:50 pm)

Block, block, block. Block block block block block. (July 28, 4:52 pm)

Guess what? Tinselina LIKES my soil sampler! (July 28, 4:53 pm)

Testing…testing…Sorry for the inactivity, folks. These biological experiments take time. Not much to report while my equipment does its thing. How about a Q&A to pass the time? Go! (August 4, 6:42 am)

@BrightLittleLamp asks: What’s your favorite picture you’ve taken so far? (August 4, 7:00 am)

Answer: This one

(August 4, 7:03 am)

@PasadenaBraddy asks: What do you want to do when you’re back on Earth? (August 4, 7:25 am)

Answer: I’ll probably be on display in a museum, maybe the new one in DC. Hopefully I can help people learn more about Mars and space exploration in general! (August 4, 7:26 am)

(To all the trolls telling me I’m not coming back: 1. @NASA wouldn’t abandon me and 2. How does that block feel?) (August 4, 8:19 am)

Time for more questions! @BlueZenith asks: Are you single? (August 6, 4:05 pm)

Answer: Ma’am, I’m flattered, but I am spoken for. I suppose I should have mentioned that Tinselina and I are more than mere traveling companions ;) (August 6, 4:06 pm)

@RobMcG asks: Aren’t you worried humans will find out you’re alive if you keep tweeting? (August 6, 4:15 pm)

Answer: First thing’s first—you’re not a human, are you? Just kidding! The truth is that most humans, when they see something weird, rationalize it away rather than dealing head-on w/anything that challenges their worldview 1/ (August 6, 4:20 pm)

Answer, contd: So if they read a tweet sent by a spacecraft? Well, those things aren’t alive, everyone knows that! They “know” there’s a person behind the account writing in the voice of the machine. Because they “know” this, they can 2/ (August 6, 4:24 pm)

Answer, contd: play along, tweet questions @ us and get answers. It’s a bit like talking to a costumed interpreter at a historic place. You “know” the tweets are by a person like you “know” the guy in the wig isn’t really George Washington. 3/ (August 6, 4:27 pm)

Answer, contd: But acting like he is = part of the experience, so you roll with it. My guess, since @NASAViking1 is “official” account of the mission, is that ppl think I’m some sort of parody. I can live with that. 4/ (August 6, 4:31 pm)

Answer, contd: It’s fun, actually. I try not to take myself too seriously. And this helps me get my POV on the mission out there, whether @NASA realizes it or not! I’m kinda-sorta free publicity for the program, now that I think about it. 4/ (August 6, 4:32 pm)

Answer, contd: Sorry, that got long. Hope I answered your question, @RobMcG. If you ARE a human, do me a favor and keep the Big F—ing Secret, mmkay? /end (August 6, 4:34 pm)

One more question, for Tinselina, from @MorrowsXmas: Aren’t you sad you won’t get to be on a tree? (August 7, 2:11 pm)

Answer: Tinselina here. I was distraught at first, but I figured, won’t ppl think it’s cool that their Xmas tree angel went to Mars? S/o Viking for helping me figure that out and keep my sanity! (August 7, 2:14 pm)

Oh, wow, thanks everyone for the invitations to next Xmas! I’ll keep them in mind for when we get back to Earth. Anyone who can also accommodate a 7ft tall space probe in your home, please hmu. Lovely chatting with you all! (August 7, 2:39 pm)

Viking here again. Isn’t she the sweetest? That’s it for the Q&A. Thanks all for your questions. Now, back to work! (August 7, 2:42 pm)

Labeled release experiment is almost complete! It tests for presence of organic life on Mars. Other three organics-detecting experiments came back negative, but maybe the fourth time’s a charm. (August 10, 6:58 pm)

LR results are in! Drumroll please…. Positive. OMG it’s positive! Tinselina, look, it’s positive! Positive positive positive positive aaaaaaaahhhhhh! (August 10, 7:05 pm)

Sorry folks, I get really excited abt this stuff. Why shouldn’t I? Life on Mars! @DavidBowie to answer the question in your song, maybe. (August 10, 7:33 pm)

This is exciting, but we can’t jump to conclusions. @BarbofMars and her colleagues will look over the data and reach a conclusion (or not) based on the evidence. Science in action, baby! (August 10, 7:36 pm)

Thanks for the RT, @DavidBowie! Day = made. (August 13, 9:00 am)

[monicalorandavis]

I saw ‘Knives Out’ a week ago and I’m still reeling

I saw ‘Knives Out’ a week ago and I’m still reeling. This movie is fun and I simply won’t talk to anyone who disagrees! I don’t want to argue about its merits. It’s good.

Your issue is, I presume, an issue with what the film says about the upper class. Go on, sympathize for the horrible, rich family that represents all that is ugly with America. Feel bad for the racist gargoyles who are equal parts human and checking account. These people are snobs. They are snob dumpster fires and if you didn’t have fun roasting them then you and I are on different sides of the war.

What war you ask? I guess I’ll call it the culture war (though that’s not really it). I’m talking about the current (unannounced) civil war between those who think Trump is getting unfairly maligned and us, the ones who are looking back on this shameful era ten years down the line, explaining to our kids what the fuck happened in 2019. This is bad. Art should make fun of us. Our obsession with fame and fortune has gotten us into global laughing stock territory. So let’s allow for art to poke fun as the bullshit of America. Art should be a reflection of our ugly parts. We all must look in the mirror when we try on a bathing suit. This is that. I choose not to place blame on the world for my muffin top. It’s funny. I’m gonna still have fun with this muffin, and this film, even if it doesn’t make me feel amazing. Laughing at yourself exorcises the demons. We still need art to encourage our spiritual progress. Don’t be such a stick in the mud.

So, now that I’ve sorted that out, the film...

It’s good.

Now let’s focus on the acting which is, arguably, always my favorite part of any movie.

Didn’t we all revel in the Yosemite Sam impression Daniel Craig was doing with New Orleans private investigator, Benoit Blanc? Wasn’t Lakeith Stanfield playing the slightly oblivious police detective while his partner fangirled over Christopher Plummer a treat?

It was.

In a society so obsessed with celebrity, it was especially delightful to watch the investigators reckon with people who simply did not believe they had to play by the rules. They don’t have to partake in police questioning. They have people for that!

Only, they do have to partake in police questioning and their lack of experience in dealing with authority figures, like the police, made them particularly horrible witnesses. They quite enjoyed a wonderfully anonymous type of wealth, free from press and the quotidian boredom of bosses, day jobs, rules...you get it. The Thrombey’s do not handle inconvenience very well.

As a result, we delight in their misfortune. This move dripped with Agatha Christie meets Succession realness. Plus subtle notes of Rupaul’s Drag Race camp.

Yes, I admit, Benoit Blanc is no Hercule Poirot. All these mystery purists coming for ‘Knives Out’ best fall back with those comparisons because it’s simply unfair. Christie’s number one Belgian is too good for mere mortals to emulate. And Daniel Craig tried very, very hard to give you an iconic detective character. Was it goofy and weird? Yes. Let’s all agree to move on.

And the moving on is a larger lesson here. Because only when you surrender to this film does it reveal all its gifts to you. Once you stop comparing it to all the other stories you hold so dear does it grow into its own animal. It’s a mystery for the age in which we find ourselves. I will not slander the p.c. police because, hell, I’m sort of one of them. Social justice warrior is not an insult that rustles my feathers. Interestingly, this film joins the SJW’s alongside the Stephen Miller’s of the world. White privilege is white privilege. And, unfortunately, the Thrombey’s, both young and old, liberal and conservative, are victims of their privilege. So blind to the plight of others, they can not help but make themselves the heroes of their own story. And people don’t like the thought that they, like the film’s youngest SJW of the family, Katherine Langford, could be part of the problem. And yet, she is. She so is.

Langford delivers a knockout performance of Taylor Swift-level white feminism that is so 2019 and clueless that I imagine many people even missed the joke.

Along those same lines, Chris Evans is the playboy, black sheep of the family who seems misunderstood and sexy but, spoiler alert, is just conniving and sexy.

Both performances were stellar and so deeply entrenched in modern white identity politics that if you’re not paying attention you might assume that their characters are just your standard rich villains. Nay. These are the “good white people” who are behaving badly. These are the white people who donate to charities and hire undocumented workers like Ana de Armas’ character, Marta. They are people who listen to rap music and love ‘Insecure’ and took an African-American studies class in college. And yet, they demand attention and emotional labor from the (employed) people around them. They distort proximity with closeness and try to lure Marta into their world. But she always knows better. For whatever reason, she can not trust these people, even before Harlan’s death.

Rian Johnson directs with a certain je ne sais quoi. Call it a ‘BDE’ that I would not expect from such a dweeby looking dweeb. Yes, ‘Knives Out’ has a fun enough story. But it really shows the fuck out is with its performances. Holy moly. No small roles, only small actors, as the saying goes. Yet in the case of ‘Knives Out’ you will find neither. Everybody is a god damn star. You should know that I stan Chris Evans but, as it turns out, this film begs you to worship its entire cast. So I did.

‘Knives Out’ is a star-making performance for Ana de Armas. If you hadn’t heard, de Armas garnered a Golden Globe nod and it is well-deserved. Armas’ Marta is a nuanced, funny, sensitive, conspirator in a plot that could’ve isolated the audience but instead put us smack dab in the middle of a moral quagmire.

Only the best actors can pull this off. Lesser actors have us turn against them while they flounder. Marta’s role in the family drama is as an outsider. In spite of their insistence that she is one of them, she keeps her distance, only clinging to Harlan. She fell for Chris Evans’ charms briefly, and I applaud Rian Johnson for avoiding a romance between the two (we didn’t need it) and focusing instead on the emotional betrayal. Marta was a woman with her head screwed on straight. In spite of her, possible, nursing fumbles she was the only kind person Harlan had in his life. She would never risk her loyalty to him by engaging in some foolishness with Chris Evans’ hunky ass.

And I repeat, I don’t care about your thoughts regarding inheritance. It is silly to contest that Marta deserved nothing less than the full sum of the fortune (*spoiler*). She deserved everything. She deserved an existence in this country free from citizenship anxiety. She deserved a partner who loved her. She deserved a friend who didn’t kill himself to save her ass. Least of all, she deserved Chris Evans’ character to be better. But, he was a product of his shitty family. How could he be better?

Three names: Jamie. Lee. Curtis. I need her in at least seven to twelve projects in the coming year. She is a stand out among stand outs. She serves up the quintessential performance of a cold-hearted bitch that is so likeable that I will patiently await the spin-off. I need to know where her Linda Drysdale is now. If anyone in the family was able to land on their feet it was Linda. We all know it.

Linda was the only Thrombey child who had the guts to make it without a handout. Her loser husband, played by the ever-handsomer Don Johnson, was practically useless. Her loser brother, played by the unusually diminutive Michael Shannon, was the same. Her sister in law, played by the illustrious Toni Collette, had her head so far up her own ass that even Gwyneth Paltrow would blush.

Poor Linda. She was surrounded by idiots. I hope she’s doing ok.

And now, we’re at the end. I’ve tried my best to avoid any horrible spoilers. But I’ve also taken a deep dive into SJW’s so I might’ve gotten off track along the way...

In any event, this movie is good. And I can’t wait to see it again.

[toseeornotosee]

Knives Out! 

Plot!

“Knives Out” follows the story of the Thrombey family immediately after the mysterious death of the family patriarch. After his 85th birthday party, Harlan Thrombey (Christopher Plummer) is found dead amid suspicious circumstances. Originally ruled a suicide, conditions change when famed detective Benoit Blanc (Daniel Craig) comes onto the scene hired to investigate by an anonymous source/party/person. The film opens up by giving the audience a robust tour of the Thrombey mansion. Room by room filled with intricate furnishings, numerous books and trophies, and in one of the main rooms, a wheel of knives; literally. Interrogations take place in front of this serrated and ornamental decor, which of course plays to the title of the film while automatically giving the impression of guilt to anyone who sits in front of it. Twist and turns follow as the ‘whodunit’ process begins and each person is thoroughly examined including caretaker, Marta Cabrera (played by Ana de Armas). The story centers around Marta and her whereabouts when the crime was committed. Considered ‘family’ by the Thrombey’s, Marta is a safe spot for the majority of the family until they decides she’s not. Befriended by Ransom Drysdale (Chris Evans), one of the patriarch’s grandsons, they take on the unfortunate task of figuring out what exactly happened to Harlan Thrombey. Guessing to the very end of who specifically committed the crime and why certain events took place,  I honestly didn’t think it would end the way it did. Still, the director takes the audience on a fun and frequently hilarious journey that’s enjoyed by all. 

Performances!

Daniel Craig-

Daniel Craig plays the super Southern, sly, and cheeky detective, Benoit Blanc. His character in the film has name recognition and a knack for solving unsolvable mysteries. Craig attempts at a deeply Southern and very reminiscent of an Alabamian type accent. Honestly, it’s weird seeing James Bond trying his best to come off Southern. Perhaps that’s why he took the role; to try and distinguish himself as a versatile actor in a comedic role. Either way, it doesn’t really play off too well. The character already itself has comedic elements to it but trying to add that very distinguishable accent to the detective doesn’t really do it justice. In the end, Craig gives off the impression of a parody of the character rather than the character itself. It simply doesn’t work. He has funny parts for sure, but they’re eclipse but the attempt at the accent. 

Ana de Armas-

Ana de Armas who plays Marta Cabrera as the nurse for Harlan, really shines in this performance. She evokes depth at the death of her friend, comedic timing in hiding specific things from the detective, and empathy while grieving with the Thrombey family. Overall, she’s a solid character and gives a great performances that really shows her range as an actress.

Chris Evans-

Chris Evans plays Ransom Drysdale, the mischievous and cheeky nephew of Harlan Thrombey. Ransom comes off as a malevolent character with a high sense of entitlement. The slight movements in his eyes in numerous scenes really give off the sense that he’s the mastermind of this whole operation and his gears are working nonstop. Evans really commits to the bad boy image, cultivating a character that deserves no respect. He barges in, makes a scene among his family members, then leaves on his own terms answering to no one. Given all that, obviously there’s a history with Evans and his trademarked Marvel character so of course it’s kinda hard to not look at him in different scenes and think, well this is just Cap being a bad guy, haha. Overall, Evans delivers a solid role as Ransom and I commend him on his work and hope he continues to venture out into more devious roles. 

Poignant moment(s)!

There’s two worth pointing out!

When they read the will of Harlan Thrombey! I kind of saw this coming, but there’s lots of twists and turns associated with it.

When the family/detective/cops ‘figure it all out’. Again, lots of twists and turns with this one, but obviously I’m not gonna give it away. I also had my own ending that I thought would happen but alas, I got it wrong. 

To see or not to see!

To see! It’s a fun family film (minus a few cuss words) that’s enjoyable for most people to see. Go see for yourself. :)

[renardtrickster]

I am going to kill you and ask you to do every number on that ask post

You devious yet cute bastard, I’m in.

1. What is you middle name?

Personal information so I’m not divulging it, but it abbreviates to X.

2. How old are you?

Legal.

3. When is your birthday?

September 26.

4. What is your zodiac sign?

Libra/The Scales/The Dragon/Terepy

5. What is your favorite color?

Dark Green. #127712 specifically.

6. What’s your lucky number?

I think 2? I do like 12 though.

7. Do you have any pets?

Not anymore. I used to have two dogs though.

8. Where are you from?

Florida. I came out of the swamps.

9. How tall are you?

5′10″

10. What shoe size are you?

28cm, Women’s 11.5, Men’s 9.5, that’s what my sneakers say.

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

Two. A pair of loafers so broken down I avoid wearing them whenever possible, and a pair of fine sneakers.

12. What was your last dream about?

All I remember is that Duff McWhalen’s theme song was playing throughout it and it was really annoying after a while.

13. What talents do you have?

I would say my talents are acute memory of obscure topics, vivid storytelling, and I’m pretty good at video games.

14. Are you psychic in any way?

It doesn’t happen with much frequency nowadays, but when I was younger and it happened a bit more often, I could always tell when I was being observed with no other clues. I could feel the eyes on my back. I can also bend spoons and set fires with my mind but that’s less interesting.

15. Favorite song?

More like favorite song right now, but probably Rocket Surgeon.

16. Favorite movie?

The Persona 3 movies currently.

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

Off of the top of my head, I’m imagining someone who’s heart-throbbing to look at (pretty women or cute boys), pretty sharp, tough to boot, has a lot in common with me, and is understanding too. I’ve got a few quirks, and it’d be nice to know that I’m not condemned to dying alone because of them.

18. Do you want children?

Not in the slightest.

19. Do you want a church wedding?

I don’t even want a wedding wedding. If we’re partners, isn’t being together enough? From what I know, weddings just add unnecessary stress and complication.

20. Are you religious?

I’m definitely spiritual, and Religion connected to that, even if I don’t devote myself to a specific doctrine. It’s less pantheism and more “they’re probably all true to an extent and also SMT is real”. In any case I just try to be a good person.

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

As a patient, none that I could remember but I know I went because of various injuries. As a visitor, quite a few times.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

I’ve done things that would get me in trouble with the law, but have not run afoul of them yet. The closest would be that one time I was staying at a hotel, and the police knocked on my door and asked if I knew where someone was living. I didn’t, but I guessed anyway, and that’s how half the hotel had the police knocking on their door.

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

No.

24. Baths or showers?

Showers.

25. What color socks are you wearing?

White with grey soles.

26. Have you ever been famous?

I have a lot of followers on this tumblr blog, would that count?

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

I want to be a famous author, so kind of. But I want to still retain my anonymity and not have my real name and face attached to stuff. Yoko Taro gives me hope in that regard, because he’s rather famous but any information we know about him, we know on his terms. That’s how I want to live.

28. What type of music do you like?

I usually listen to video game OSTs, and most of the ones I listen to are so genre-blending so it’s hard to pin down. Most of it is instrumental, but I’m not opposed to music with vocals. Genres aren’t cohesive, so I’d say “music that makes you want to punch robots to” and “music that makes you want to talk to friends to”. J-rap is pretty good though.

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

Hell no!

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

One.

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

I toss and turn before going to sleep and while asleep, but my back seems to be consistent.

32. How big is your house?

It’s pretty decent. 2 room 1 bath, and the living room is rectangular.

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

Milk & cereal, or pop-tarts.

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

No, but I want to.

35. Have you ever tried archery?

I think once in grade school. I wish I could try again though.

36. Favorite clean word?

Cerebral just off the top of my head.

37. Favorite swear word?

Bastard or Shit. The former is innately funny and all-purpose to refer to someone. The latter is so versatile it can be used in any context.

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

I think a day, although the standard is around 18.

39. Do you have any scars?

I don’t think so.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

I think there was one person in school who had a thing for me but they were gay and at the time I thought I was straight, so I paid them no mind. There was also someone who said “X likes you”, but I didn’t know who X was so I said “cool” and went on my way. I was also propositioned once in middle school, but that’s less “secret admirer” and more “sexual harasser”.

41. Are you a good liar?

I think so.

42. Are you a good judge of character?

For good people, yes. For bad people, no.

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

Yeah. I remember playing Undertale and my little sister was nearby, and I decided to voice all the characters. I had a lot of fun!

44. Do you have a strong accent?

I’m actually the only member of my family that doesn’t have a Boston accent.

45. What is your favorite accent?

Russian, hands-down.

46. What is your personality type?

According the the Myers-Briggs test I just took, ISFP-T/Adventurer. Which is bizarre considering I’m pretty sure I got a different result a year or so ago. According to “what word would you use”, droll.

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

I have no idea. Either those sneakers, or the heavy winter jacket I got when I was in Colorado. Both were gifts, so I never saw the pricetag, but my Dad said they were pretty nice-looking.

48. Can you curl your tongue?

Yeth.

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

Inside.

50. Left or right handed?

Left.

51. Are you scared of spiders?

My knowledge of spiders is well enough that I know at least 2 types of spiders who can kill you horribly in one bite, and know little enough that I can’t tell any of them apart from common house spiders. I’m more afraid of dying stupidly because the boner spider snuck up on me than the idea of spiders themselves.

52. Favorite food?

Either Macaroni & Cheese or Cheeseburgers.

53. Favorite foreign food?

Burritos probably, even though I usually only eat meat and cheese on them. Are you detecting a theme because I am.

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

I try to be clean, but I’m usually a bit scattered.

55. Most used phrased?

“says something about”, “despite that” are some. Although I know I tend to use a few stock phrases When I Post Long.

56. Most used word?

I wouldn’t even know where to begin finding that out.

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

Maybe a few minutes, although I’m usually working on a set routine.

58. Do you have much of an ego?

I don’t think I do. If I do, I tend to exaggerate it or turn it to a positive end.

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

No matter how hard I want to keep it at sucking, I usually bite at some point. Don’t screencap this.

60. Do you talk to yourself?

Yes.

61. Do you sing to yourself?

No.

62. Are you a good singer?

Also no.

63. Biggest Fear?

Most if not all of my friends, and the people I admire as well, all either start hating me or end up hating me and I lose every social connection I have or want to have. The reason varies, whether it be my fault or someone slandering me, but being hated by people I like freaks me out. As does the idea of not being able to tell my stories.

64. Are you a gossip?

I’d like to say no but considering I rather frequently discuss discourse in my Discord chats, I guess I am.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

I do not watch drama films.

66. Do you like long or short hair?

On myself, long-to-middle length. On others, any length really.

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

Probably not.

68. Favorite school subject?

Social studies was a strong suit of mine.

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

Introvert.

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

No.

71. What makes you nervous?

Time passing and things not getting done.

72. Are you scared of the dark?

No. The things in the dark can eat it too.

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

Yes, but I try to be kind about it. Or funny.

74. Are you ticklish?

I haven’t been tickled recently, so I wouldn’t know.

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

No. At worst, I’ve spread information I don’t think is 100% accurate, but I ALWAYS disclaim that it shouldn’t be trusted without further research.

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

I’m an older sibling, so yes.

77. Have you ever drank underage?

No.

78. Have you ever done drugs?

No, but I was offered twice. Once by an irresponsible (and awful) authority figure, once by some kids in the bathroom. Both times I said “no thanks”, and funny enough the former tried to change my mind, and the latter just said “ok cool”.

79. Who was your first real crush?

Oh god here come the bad memories. I’m heavily abbreviating and redacting information to protect the identities of me and all involved, but in Colorado I met someone in middle school who more or less fit all my parameters for “ideal partner”. But I was terminally nervous and I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, so I left it at that. Eventually I had to abruptly leave the state for reasons I don’t want to get into, and all a week or so later I made a Facebook account and found all my friends. My contact with my crush was the most constant. Eventually, I was talking with a different buddy, and they mentioned romantic problems. I mentioned I had some too, and they eventually ferreted it out of me. They told me I should confess, and I said no, both because I want to remain friends, and because I can’t do a long-distance relationship. They told me they’d go behind my back if I didn’t, and I warned them not to. Five minutes later, I get messaged by my crush. To put it short, it wouldn’t work out. I stopped talking to both, and was pretty depressed afterwards, to the point where I couldn’t feel any romance, sexuality, or companionship towards anybody. I got over it sometime later, and I think I realized I was bi around the same time. I kind of wish I could smooth things over, but it’s been so long I don’t think it’s an option anymore. Plus Facebook has a horrible interface and is terrible so I really don’t want to.

80. How many piercings do you have?

Zero.

81. Can you roll your Rs?“

No.

82. How fast can you type?

VERY.

83. How fast can you run?

Also VERY.

84. What color is your hair?

Dark.

85. What color is your eyes?

I looked in a mirror for a minute. I think it’s either grey, green, or brown?

86. What are you allergic to?

Pollen and bullets.

87. Do you keep a journal?

No.

88. What do your parents do?

My Dad makes food at the mall.

89. Do you like your age?

I wish I had all the benefits of adulthood but was still 17.

90. What makes you angry?

People acting stupid when they should know better, things not working when they should, and things going wrong when they shouldn’t. While not my intention in answering this question, this site has all three :^)

91. Do you like your own name?

My given name is pretty okay. I really like Renardie though.

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

I am not having children.

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

Three times I have said I’m not having children.

94. What are you strengths?

Imagination, expression, intellect, and pluck.

95. What are your weaknesses?

Procrastination, anxiety, and obsession.

96. How did you get your name?

For my given name, I’ll keep it brief for privacy’s sake, but my parents are comic book nerds. For Renardie, I’m simply a fan of Reynard the Fox.

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

My Dad’s a King in the figurative sense, does that count?

98. Do you have any scars?

This is a repeat question. Someone get OP’s ass.

99. Color of your bedspread?

Off-color baby blue.

100. Color of your room?

White.

[blackjack-15]

Curtain Call — Thoughts on: The Final Scene (FIN)

Previous Metas: SCK/SCK2, STFD, MHM, TRT

Hello and welcome to a Nancy Drew meta series! 30 metas, 30 Nancy Drew Games that I’m comfortable with doing meta about. Hot takes, cold takes, and just Takes will abound, but one thing’s for sure: they’ll all be longer than I mean them to be.

Each meta will have different distinct sections: an Introduction, an exploration of the Title, an explanation of the Mystery, a run-through of the Suspects. Then, I’ll tackle some of my favorite and least favorite things about the game, and finish it off with ideas on how to improve it.

If any game requires an extra section or two, they’ll be listed in the paragraph above, along with links to previous metas.

These metas are notspoiler free, though I’ll list any games/media that they might spoil here: FIN, mention of SSH, ASH, non-spoiler mention of STFD, CAR, RAN, TRN, DED, GTH, SPY, LIE.

The Intro:

The Final Scene is the fifth game in the Nancy Drew series and the game that caps off the Classic Nancy Drew games (according to my own very non-scientific divisions of the Nancy Drew games), as the games that follow are bigger, longer, and more complex — not to mention they start tying themselves together, opening up Nancy’s world, and at least make some use of her “amateur detective” title rather than always being set up for the mysteries, or having her stumble upon them while on vacation.

For full disclosure, I will start off here by saying FIN is one of my least favorite games in the Nancy Drew franchise for one big and a few small things, so I’m going to attempt to be as measured as possible, addressing its good points just as much as the bad points.

From here on out, Nancy Drew games grow more but they also grow more unevenly, making jumps in some areas and failing in others. FIN is slightly uneven, but it’s still more balanced than the games that are to come, and I quite enjoy that balance in this game.

FIN is also the game where Her Interactive realized that just having Bess, George, and Ned (apart from one or two throw-away characters) as phone contacts was going to become dull very quickly. Eustacia is an attempt at bridging that gap, but it’s the next game that actually solves the problem, opening up the Nancy Drew world with the addition of the two most enduring (and endearing) phone contacts of the series – Frank and Joe Hardy.

Complexity-wise, FIN is closer to STFD and MHM, taking a step back from TRT’s complexity and richness of location and character. It’s the last “small” game, as far as location goes (excepting a few later games like CAR, RAN, and DED), with the tiny theater feeling almost claustrophobic.

This feeling is compounded with the lack of puzzles in the game; it’s mostly a “sleuthing” type game like STFD, but without the variety of sleuthing locations and continually refreshed locations that other heavy sleuthing games like GTH or LIE have.

While the Royal Palladium Theater is as important to the story as the Mansion from MHM or the Tower in TRT, it just doesn’t have the atmospheric presence that the other two locations do. The theater is gorgeous, but it doesn’t feel like a character.

This is the last “small” game for Nancy in-world as well — between the moderate publicity she got at the end of TRT and the enormous amounts of publicity she gets for this game, Nancy has moved up in the world. She’s still an amateur, but she’s no longer a small-town or anonymous amateur detective.

FIN attempts to be a game that rides on high drama, and it largely succeeds — except for the fact that a few large logical gaps in the game cut the tension and the drama, leaving the player happy but always wanting it to be a little bit More.

The Title:

As a title, “The Final Scene” is a decent one — we’re dealing with the final “scene” of the theater, the final “scene” of the three-day deadline, the possible “final scene” of Maya’s life — and the final scene of the culprit’s time at the theater, as well. It’s a cinematic title, fitting for such a cinematic theater.

That does lead us to the question — what “final scene” is the title talking about?

As a kid playing this game with my sister, I probably would have said that the “final scene” is that climactic moment when the police are clearing the theater and Nancy has to hide, where she finds Maya, and where Joseph confronts Nancy, raving about the theater and his ultimate, insane plan.

As an adult, nearly two decades later, the phrase “final scene” has a bit more of a somber tone. Although this issue will be addressed fully in the “fix” section, it should be mentioned here. 

Joseph is in the “final scene” of his life, via his age, and has determined that this — this three-day madcap abduction, featuring a clueless cast of know-nothing know-it-alls and a hapless demolition crew armed with a 2,400 pound closing curtain — will be the ultimate Final Scene.

Viewed that way, the title is just as effective, but it’s a somber title — matched in tone by “Last Train to Blue Moon Canyon” and “The Silent Spy”. This isn’t a problem in and of itself, but it is a problem that the tone of the game doesn’t back it up. 

Ultimately, it feels like “The Final Scene” was picked because they were like “oh, theater pun! Tip the intern .05c for that, Timothy!” rather than “this fits in many different ways, providing nuance to new and returning players”.

The Mystery:

When the game starts, much like TRT, there is no mystery — but that doesn’t stay true for more than 20 seconds. Nancy’s visiting her (and Bess’ and George’s) friend from high school, Maya Nguyen, in St. Louis, where Maya is interviewing cinematic “hunk” Brady Armstrong.

When Maya goes into Brady’s dressing room, however, she screams — and when Nancy gets in the room, she’s gone. Maya’s disappearance is punctuated by a threatening call from her kidnapper (abductor? Maya’s too old to be kidnapped, per se) telling Nancy she has to stop the demolition of the theater or else Maya will be killed when they knock it down.

From there, Nancy abandons any of the usual whispers of tact that she employs and straight up yells at the other people in the theater (and the police outside), trying to find Maya through what seems to be sheer intimidation tactics rather than Actual Sleuthing, desperate to beat the 3 day deadline.

It’s not easy, what with no one but the old caretaker of the theater, Joseph, cooperating with Nancy — not even the police, despite a witness to the kidnapping testifying of, well, the kidnapping. Nancy uses her smarts and a bit of luck (along with a lot of snooping) to solve the question of who kidnapped Maya and what every one of the people within the theater were hiding.

As a mystery, FIN is gripping — a personal stake, a strict mission, and four people hiding things explicitly from Nancy, rather than each other. It’s a shame that the mystery is a little undercut by a scarily easy-to-figure-out culprit — and the mystery that their state of mind brings up.

The Suspects:

           Joseph Hughes takes care of the Royal Palladium Theater and has for decades. He’s the first suspect that Nancy meets — over the phone, right after Maya’s kidnapping — and is the first to know about the kidnapping.

Joseph is an obvious culprit, but obvious in a different way from any of the previous games. In the past, it’s about the 1/3 mark that the culprit becomes stunningly obvious, and it gets a little old watching Nancy treat others as if they’re equally (or more!) suspicious. Joseph, however, is not only obvious as the culprit immediately — he’s the closest when it happens, for one thing — but he’s also obviously insane.

There are several culprits where the first reaction might be “wow, they’re crazy”, but Joseph is obviously suffering from clinical dementia, exacerbated by the looming fate of the theater and losing the thing most familiar to him. It’s not that I expect this fact to be treated with delicacy in an early Nancy Drew game — or the early 2000s as a whole — but the fact that it’s not even touched is concerning to me.

This isn’t really touched on in the fandom as well. Joseph is Obviously Unwell and needs medical help and care for his condition, but even the ending of the game just plays it off as “wow, what a crazy culprit, good thing Nancy caught him” instead of “wow, this Ill man really needs help and it’s tragic that his dementia led him to endanger multiple lives”.

He’s an uncomfortable suspect and an even more uncomfortable culprit, and he really just bothers me. A lot of people class him as their favorite “sympathetic” suspect, but the question of how much “Joseph” there even is left is both one that’s incredibly important and incredibly overlooked.

It makes rating Joseph as a suspect hard, and even harder to rank him as a culprit. Other than the shortness of this game and its lack of puzzles, Joseph is probably the biggest reason I don’t replay FIN. He makes the game significantly less fun, and is alternately disturbing and pitiable.

He’s also the one that Her Interactive decided to “trick” the fanbase with, as he follows the “early cleared suspect who becomes Nancy’s helper” trope…with the exception of being cleared even a little bit.

I appreciate the attempt at subverting the formula — though since the formula started in the 3rd game, subverting it by the 5th might feel a bit early — as it shows a willingness to come up with new and fun ideas. I just wish it worked here.

Simone Muller is Brady Armstrong’s hard-liner agent, running every part of his life and fame — and doing, by all accounts, a fantastic job with it, as he’s the hottest rising star in Hollywood. She’s catty, awesome, practical, and cunning; she’s an unflappable woman willing to do what it takes — teenage detectives crawling out of her wardrobe or not.

Simone doesn’t really do anything the whole game other than be incredibly entertaining with her fake names for Nancy (Fancy Jackson is so disco, but she could totally work it) and order a funeral wreath for Maya — which, macabre or not, is a total power move.

Simone might not be the most moral person (though she’s hands down the most moral suspect in FIN) in the world, but she knows what she wants and gets it, and is one of the two active suspects (as Brady and Nick are passive), which already makes her more likable.

She also is the first to bring up “Samantha Quick” (as a stage name for Nancy), marking the first (but certainly not the last) time we’ll hear of the superspy. 

Simone is the most moral and innocent of the bunch, and is (not coincidentally) the only one with a love life — a very successful-seeming love life, if her PDA notes are anything to go by.

She is also in all probability a Domme. So that kind of rocks too.

As a suspect, Simone is a decent one, seeming shifty without hiding something, and ultimately self-interested. She couldn’t have been the culprit, as she had no need to make Brady more famous in connection with the theater, but she was more than willing to spin a bad situation to her gain.

Simone is entertaining, competent, and even has a few character traits (her willingness to take a chance on making a hot dog seller into a star; her relationship with Georgie-Bear, etc.) that make her delightfully 3D.

Brady Armstrong (Thompson) is a hot-dog-seller-cum-actor discovered a few years ago by Simone and (secretly) the descendent of the theater’s owner, JJ Thompson, setting him up as the legal heir of the theater and the person behind the demolition.

Brady is, without exaggeration, an idiot, whose “big idea” for the land that the Royal Palladium is on is “Planet Tinseltown”, an idea that he’s very proud of for its originality, even though it’s not an original idea at all. 

He’s alternately sheltered and taken advantage of by Simone, but you can’t really feel sorry for him, because he’s an enormous douchebag who wants Maya out of the way because she discovered the truth about him.

As a suspect, Brady is decent; secret past in relation to the theater, surprisingly unscrupulous for his general personality, and out to silence Maya. It’s nice that he is kind of the villain in that he refuses to stop the demolition even while lives are at stake, but that he’s not an over-the-top cackling maniac.

One of the best decisions Her Interactive made in this game was to have their suspects each be guilty of something Bad but not the ultimate Crime, rather than having them like Rose in MHM who is so innocent as to be boring. Brady’s a good example of that, and it saves him from the garbage heap.

Brady ultimately is a dumb bro who thinks that everyone wants his dick, but he’s just dumb enough to think himself intelligent, which is a dangerous trait that leads perfectly into his actual villainy.  He very much could have been the big bad, but it works out better for his character that he’s not.

Nicholas Falcone is the founder of the incredibly niche organization “Humans Against the Destruction of Illustrious Theaters”, named specifically to spell “HADIT”, who’s still moping about his grandmother’s past with the Royal Palladium and has, according to police records, actually kidnapped someone in order to stop a demolition before.

Though a fan-favorite, I never really understood the pull to Nick; he’s just the “crunchy hippie” type douche to Brady’s “slimy prep” douche — he’s still a douchebag, all things considered. Maybe it’s the facial hair, which I believe is the first for the attempted “scruffy yet handsome character”, and the second overall (after Jacques in the last game). 

Maybe it’s the tragic-yet-legally-questionable backstory, inspiring sympathy in all of us that were young enough to see the matter as black and white. 

Maybe it’s the horribly cringe-y slang even for 2001.

The ‘happening’ slang is a weird point with Nick; while it’s probably intended to make him seem ‘hip’ and ‘with it’, it has the opposite effect when Nancy, a recent high school graduate (and thus younger than Nick) has no idea what he’s saying. 

Sure, Nancy’s a square who doesn’t really use slang herself (though that’s relaxed a bit more as the series went on), but she went to high school. She’s gonna recognize modern slang, as observant as she is — which leads the player to the only conclusion possible: Nick is using horrifically outdated slang and trying to make Nancy seem even less ‘hip’ than she is already.

Welcome to the Twilight Zone, buckaroo.

It turns out that Nick’s grown up at the theater, so Joseph refuses to tell him to leave despite the fact that Nick has literally kidnapped someone to stop a theater demolition before (which honestly should be a huge clue who the villain is). 

He’s harboring a grudge against JJ Thompson for never compensating his great-grandmother Louisa Falcone. While it’s a douche move, Nick has no legal right to the theater (see below), so it does come off a bit “…huh?” at the end for him.

As a suspect, Nick is one of those suspect-of-the-times characters that made a lot of sense back in the early 2000s and hasn’t made any sense…since. While he has his motivation in his grandmother being slighted, he’s mostly just there to spout slogans and sound ‘radical’. In 2019, he’d be a #keyboardwarrior, competing with Simone on Twitter and Instagram over who could “get the word out” most effectively. #corporategenerica #cancelcharmstrong

Whether Nick works as a character largely rests on if you can overlook the unsigned contract and if you find his spiel charming or annoying. He’s a time capsule of turn-of-the-century Seattle activism, and Her Interactive nails that…but it’s just not interesting to me.

The Favorites:

While this game is one of my least favorite among the entire series, it has plenty of high points that are incredibly enjoyable.

The design of the theater and the secret rooms is fabulous. The Palladium Theater is based off an incredibly sumptuous real life theater, and the animators went to great lengths to represent it accurately. The music, the colors, — these are great, and go a long way to making the game great to look at. The fun little knock-off posters in the lobby are a great example of this.

Nancy yelling that RUBBER IS SHOCK PROOF when absolutely nobody asked is a fun little moment that I look forward to, as well as Simone’s hilariously over-the-top funeral wreath. 

The fact that the flower people were just like “hmm a Quirky Message” and not like “…call the cops” just shows that absolutely no one other than Nancy (and even not even Nancy sometimes) is taking this kidnapping seriously.

Eustacia Andropov is a bright, shining star in this game and remains, almost 30 games later, one of the most memorable phone characters that the series has ever produced. Her morbid sense of humor, dry tone, and absolutely awesome voice actor all combine to create a character that is possibly my favorite in the entire game, and definitely sits in the Phone Contact hall of fame.

There’s not really very many puzzles in FIN, so The Amazing Monty might take the title of my favorite by default. 

The best overall moment of the game is Nancy being like “gross used gum” and immediately putting it into her inventory. Disgusting, Nance.

Though Nancy’s pretending to be Brenda Carlton is a high point as well.

The Un-Favorites:

My least favorite part of this game is that Nancy, in order to not make the game last five minutes, doesn’t ever consider Joseph a suspect, and instead confides everything in him, even setting him up to be in charge of giving evidence to the police. 

When that evidence disappears, she doesn’t suspect him for a moment — that alone kills the game, and it’s the worst feeling in the world when you have to consider that the game makes Nancy stupid in order to have a game at all.

The Falcone part of the game is another part that is my least favorite — and not just because no one pronounces “Falcone” correctly (darn you, Seattle-based Her Interactive!). 

Louisa Falcone’s name is on the contract, yes, but she never signed it. That means that the contract isn’t legally binding…and also means that Nick has no right to the theater, either. The fact that Her Interactive didn’t even bother to fact check this does sour the whole storyline for me, which is unfortunate.

The last “unfavorite” in this game is how empty the theater feels. The lack of more than a dozen puzzles and far too few things to click on, look at, or investigate (in some ways, the opposite problem that STFD had) makes the game feel even shorter than it always is, and takes away some of the enjoyment I have (and the potential to have) of the Theater as a Character.

I don’t really have a least favorite puzzle in this game — though if I had to choose, it’s the endless identical keys at the very high-stress ending sequence. My absolute least favorite moment in the game is when Joseph’s giant head appears over the trapdoor and Nancy’s forced to stare at it for upwards of 30 agonizing seconds.

The Fix:

So how would I fix The Final Scene?

The biggest single, contained thing to fix would be The Joseph Problem. Not only does he make it over distances that a sprinter would struggle with in too small a time to even teleport, but there’s also the whole dementia thing, along with Nancy blindly trusting him and never treating him as a suspect.

Besides the issue of Joseph’s apparent Instant Teleportation, which is a common problem in Nancy Drew video games, the most game-breaking problem with Joseph is that Nancy trusts him implicitly, refusing to consider him a suspect even a little bit — even though he tells her to— instead choosing to make him her partner in…solving crime?

A simple fix would to be to make her not do that, but I’d actually prefer to change as little as possible about these games in the fix section, so instead I propose this fix: make it explicitly in-character for Nancy to do this.

It would make sense for Nancy to be weak to people of a certain age; her father, given the timeline, would have to be slightly older (a young lawyer during Alexei’s trial as a 20 year old), Hannah is elderly as well, her Aunt Eloise — the backing for this in-story is fairly strong. 

So if Joseph reminds her of these older people in her life (and make her say this at least three times during the game), it then makes sense as to why Joseph would be above suspicion.

Sure, the player would still have the ability to see her trust of Joseph as a mistake, and it might even be a little frustrating still, but then at least the reason isn’t “Nancy is an Idiot”, it’s “Nancy’s making a mistake” — and a mistake justified in-story.

The Final Scene fails as a game — literally, as a game— because of its lack of, well, detecting and puzzles and other game mechanic stuff. Sure, it’s a snoop-heavy (versus puzzle-heavy) game, but there’s not even much snooping to do. Play a few mini games, talk on the phone, and you’re at the culprit confrontation before you expect it. 

Alternately, miss noticing one tiny thing and you’re stuck on Day 1 without the ability to progress.

Obviously, including a few more puzzles is a great way to help this problem (Houdini was involved with the theater! Why aren’t there more secret locks and false walls and stuff?), but that should be added along with making the progression from day to day smoother.

Give Nancy a concrete goal that establishes itself at the beginning of the day, and prevent it from being able to happen until a few other tasks/conversations have happened as well. Making this obvious prevents the sense of time/urgency from being lost while Nancy wanders the theater playing mini-games.

Giving the police more of a presence would be a good idea as well. Nancy, despite lack of visual confirmation of a kidnapping, still qualifies under the law — then and now — as a witness of a kidnapping.

The police coming in on the second day didn’t ruin the plot or shut down the theater; a few detectives coming in on Day 1 wouldn’t do it either. It’s pointless for the police not to have a presence — it’s not like Nancy’s not gonna investigate anyway. 

A junior police detective at the very least to add in as a “bonus character” that Nancy can interrogate/work with would be a good compromise. I know an extra character is a big “add”, but it’s better than hours with faceless police jabbering.

The Final Change (geddit?) is more thematic than concrete, and thus wouldn’t take more than a line of dialogue here and there. 

“Rot” is present, thematically speaking, throughout the first part of the game: the theater is falling apart, there’s the “rotten” person who kidnapped Maya; Joseph’s brain is succumbing to age-driven “rot”; Nancy even calls out Brady as a “rotten fraud” (which he is). Simone represents the “rot of Hollywood”, and Nicholas, besides being a “rotten” person (kidnapping), is also stuck in the past of the theater — a past rotting away.

Bringing this to the forefront, reinforcing it through dialogue and Nancy’s own musings (or to Bess/George/Ned, working their characterization), would go a long way to thematically tying these character to this game. Making the characters and game inseparable is the mark of a successful Nancy Drew game — think GTH — and FIN is in sore need of it.

[sp00pygal]

It was raining in the ghost zone. Apparently the obvservants hadn't recaptured vortex again.

Dots sat inside the Denny's, thoughtfully poking at her count choucula cerial with her fork. It was the only cerial that the Denny's would serve, and for some reason Vlad's picture was on the box instead of the count's.

"so.... Are you going to say anything about why I'm here again?" Wes finally asked from the booth across from dots where he sat.

"something is up with the Lexx copys, and I can't figure out why. They're getting more organized with their chaos. They keep sending me these." Dots replied, and she pulled out a small box from besides her.

Wes could see two small ghosts floating inside the box. One of them gave Wes a friendly wave, and the other winked at him and giggled mischievously.

"Are those... Blob ghosts?" Wes asked suspiciously

"Nope. They're Anonyboos. I have like a gazillion of them back at my lair now. The Lexs keep leaving them on my doorstep anonymously."

"If it's anonymous, then how do you-"

"Because I can hear the Lexs laughing about them! It would be annoying except.... Well... Just look at them! They're adorable!" Dots exclamed and crumpled a napkin into a tiny ball and put it into the Anonyboos box to illistrate her point. The Anonyboos squeaked happily, and began to play with the makeshift toy. It was one of the top 10 cutest things Wes had ever seen.

"Wow. Ok, I get what you mean. So what're you gonna do about it?" Wes asked.

Before dots could respond, a waitress came by and adressed Wes. "Your order is ready."

Wes frowned. "I didn't order anything."

The ghostly waitress smirked and indicated a booth with a lex copy sitting in it, drinking some orange juice. " Compliments of table number four."

The Lex at table 4 waved at them, and the waitress sat Down Wes's food and a box containing 3 more Anonyboos. Dots rolled her eyes. "Great. Not another new one!"

"It's new? How can you tell?" Wes asked.

"First off, I've got mad detective skills.... Also they're backwards. I haven't seen a backwards lex around yet."

Wes frowned incredulously "backwards what do you- oh"

A second look reveald that the lex copy looked similar to the other lex copys, except their features were on the wrong sides; like someone had made a mirror image of them.

"well, points for originality I guess" Wes said sardonically.

"I'm telling you Wes, this conspiracy is just getting worse! Every time I figure out who a lex copy is, two more new ones just take their place!!! How could they do this to me?!" Dots groaned

"!semag dna nuf tsuj s'ti !evitceted no emoc hO" reverse lex said, materializing behind Wes, causing him to jump in the air with a yelp.

"hey! Not cool!" The redhead teen compliained, then frowned, confused. "Wait, what did they say?"

Dots just rolled her eyes, exausted. "They're talking backwards. Figures." She adressed reverse lex "And take this more seriously! I will find out who you all are!!!"

Reverse smirked. "!fi sA ,esalp hO- you'll never figure out who I am!" She said; but her lex disguise switched off revealing who she was. Dots and Wes stared at @phantsama-9 in shock and she sighed. "My lex disguise dropped didn't it? Figures. Ah well, it was fun while it lasted I guess."

"uh.... Who are you exactly?" Wes asked nervously

"Phantasma. I was the weapons manager during the Phight club event? Anyways; it's the off season and I got bored, and the lex copy thing seemed like fun, so I figured I'd try it. But I guess I'm busted now, so I'm out. Good luck finding the other copys, you'll need it! Until next time detectives, Peace!" Phantasma said, and phased out through the Denny's wall, making her exit.

"that was... Weird." Wes said

"yup. Those waffels look good though. Mind if I?" Dots asked

Wes stared at her in disbelief "are you crazy? a Lexx sent them! They could be poisioned! They could-"

"kill me? Yeah. Not very worried about that. Besides-" Dots stole a bite of Wes's waffels. "She didn't seem that bad, for a Lex I mean. Thease are good!"

Wes sighed and slid his plate twords Dots. "Have the rest. I'm keeping the blob Ghost though. For studying!"

Dots shrugged, and happily dug in. "Suit yourself. Just don't feed them after midnight."

"you're kidding... Right? Dots???? Dots?!!"

But the ghost didn't seeming to hear him, she was preoccupied with her waffles and listening in on the distant thoughts of the Lexxes. "Anti dots is comming!!!"

"oh yeah? Bring it on! I'll be ready! And I'll figure out who you all are! Mark my words! you'll see, you'll all see! One of these days..." Dots muttered, and slathered her waffles in boo-berry syrup.